2022 Man of the Year: Bald Freaks

As arguably the most prominent female- and minority-led media outlet in America, the Washington Free Beacon is committed to driving inclusive progress informed by our firm belief that representation matters. That’s why we are so honored to present this Man of the Year award to a historically marginalized demographic that took the political world by storm in 2022.

Bald freaks.

They were represented everywhere this year—on the ballot, on the nightly news, in our nightmares, and in federal prison. Ghastly gleaming domes in high-definition, bearing down on us like fleshy artillery rounds. It was just as we’d predicted. There was no escaping them.

William, Duke of Cambridge, became William, Prince of Wales, and his stupid thumb-shaped head kept popping up on our screens because his younger brother married a psychopath. Senators Raphael Warnock (D., Ga.) and Mark Kelly (D., Ariz.) cruised to reelection despite the best efforts of NRSC chairman Rick Scott, who looks like the thing that busts out of that guy’s chest in Alien. He’s still easier on the eyes than John Fetterman, the trust-fund ogre who won the U.S. Senate race in Pennsylvania by wearing cargo shorts and having a stroke.

Lincoln Project founder Rick Wilson spent the year acting out on Twitter, likely due to some repressed teenage trauma, while struggling to get his next grift off the ground. We don’t have the emotional or intestinal fortitude to actually count up the number of random strangers whose wives he claims to have slept with, but we’re confident most people would find that number terribly upsetting and offensive, especially after seeing a photo of Rick Wilson. He still had a better year than “Hottie Avenatti,” the scumbag lawyer, media darling, and onetime Democratic presidential frontrunner who was handed a 14-year prison sentence for defrauding clients.

No bald freak did more to advance awareness and boost representation of this marginalized community than Sam Brinton. Several days after getting busted (the first time) for stealing women’s luggage from an airport baggage claim, the “genderfluid” nuclear waste czar hosted a kink conference seminar on the science of spanking and “turning butts red.”  The Biden administration eventually fired the hairless oddity, who is most likely another blatant fraud who managed to con his way into the liberal establishment. (How in the actual f— does this keep happening?)

Advancing inclusion through representation is about helping our fellow citizens realize that bald freaks are just like us. We win some, we lose some. We ignore our doctor’s advice and almost die. We hate our brothers’ wives. We hate ourselves. We spent way too much time on social media. We occasionally commit felonies like stealing from a porn star. Every now and then we dress ourselves in pilfered women’s clothing and calculate “the spring force coefficient of a butt being spanked.” Above all, we’re imperfect.

But at least we have hair on our heads.

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