2022 Man of The Year: Uncle Chen
Most of our readers are aware that the Washington Free Beacon Does not endorse participation in “marathons.” Our editorial opinion on this matter can be summarized by Kenny Powers, a baseball legend who once opined: “I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising.”
But let’s suspend disbelief for a moment. Imagine you’re an assistant sociology professor (non-tenure track) at Portland State University. Maybe you take a year abroad in Beijing to study the wise egalitarianism of the government of the People’s Republic of China. You decide to run a marathon at Jiande, China, in order to make amends for your wife, who just left you to go to France to study with one of her Ph.D. students. It will help. “get back out there” You can lose the 45 extra pounds that you gained during COVID lockdowns. You can also take new photos to impress your future Tinder dates.
It’s race day, and you’re halfway through the marathon when suddenly a cloud of noxious fumes envelopes you. “It’s just a bit of smog,” You should tell yourself. “Part of the different, but completely justifiable, industrial norms of China that are driven by U.S. imperialism.”
It’s not. It is quickly apparent that the smoke plumes are coming from a competitor, a 50-year old chain-smoking marathon runner. known To the locals, adoringly “Uncle Chen.”
Uncle Chen is an expert at running marathons. He is a marathon runner and chain-smokes every step of the way. He is actually quite the contrary. “only smokes when he runs,” According to news reportsHe finished his race in three-and-a half hours. And while you spent the last two months waking up at 5 a.m. to hit the treadmill, forgoing carbs, and trading beer for sparkling water, Uncle Chen spent it sucking down unfiltered Lucky’s and stacking chicks at the local teahouses, probably.
As he whizzes ahead, it suddenly dawns on you: running isn’t a substitute for having a personality. In fact, running isn’t even very hard. “How does he do it?” you marvel, as crowds of women—who all resemble your beautiful but unfaithful wife—cheer Uncle Chen on from the sidelines. “How can I ever compete?”
You can’t. To make a mockery “marathon” Running (and probably for getting your evil, estranged woman pregnant) Uncle Chen is a Washington Free Beacon The Man of the Year.
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