Tits and Class: A Message to Our Readers

The Free Beacon will NEVER apologize for loving Kate Upton

Biff Diddle • July 7, 2022 1:00 pm

Dear Readers,

My mail sack is overflowing with your complaints. A great many of you claim to have been offended by the manner in which the Washington Free Beacon chose to wish you a Happy Independence Day. Specifically, you did not appreciate the Graphic Interface Format (GIF) image of America’s sweetheart, Kate Upton, licking a rocket pop whilst tugging on her stars-and-stripes bikini bottom.

Nancy B. wrote: “I have to say I am appalled at the picture of the voluptuous blonde in the red, white and blue bikini, pulling it way down to reveal a tiny star. What were you thinking? Who was responsible for this? It makes a series [sic] paper look seedy … Please do better or I won’t believe you actually are a conservative paper.”

Leslie M. did not think the image was “appropriate for wishing me a happy 4th” and demanded that the Free Beacon stop sending her “porn.” Linda A. wondered: “Do you think only horny old men read your newsletter? Give me a break. This is pathetic! Seriously????”

Colleen J. described the Free Beacon‘s patriotic celebration as “vile soft-porn” that made her wonder if our office was “staffed with pubescent boys, dirty old men, or both?” She added: “Unless there is some sort of retraction or apology in the next week or so, I will be unsubscribing.”

This was a recurring theme. “Please unsubscribe me because of the picture of the nearly nude bimbo in the bikini,” Hope K. wrote in an email. Chris W. was “disgusted” by Upton’s amazing body and urged the Free Beacon to “stick to the news and clean photos or some readers will be unsubscribing.” Readers such as Kay K. wrote: “I just unsubscribed—not because I’m ‘rejecting freedom’ but because I’m rejecting PORNOGRAPHY.”

Cybermom546 was particularly outraged: “I AM SO SAD TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE JUST UNSUBSCRIBED FROM THE WASHINGTON FREE BEACON. THE REASON, UNCLAD WOMEN IN THE EMAIL … I DO NOT WANT TO SEE NAKED WOMEN WHEN I OPEN YOUR EMAILS … SHAME ON YOU FOR MAKING YOUR READERS SEE SUCH PORNO. NO WONDER OUR WORLD IS IN THE MESS THAT IT IS WHEN NAKED WOMEN HAVE TO BE USED TO ACQUIRE READERS.”

Kris J. was similarly incensed: “Thought your organization had better taste than that! Acting like you’re so morally righteous and then promoting lust? Disrespect for women? Sick!!!” Trisha R. wasn’t mad, just disappointed: “I am not a prude, but this type of meme does not belong in a serious publication.” Marie O. wanted the Free Beacon‘s writers and editors to know they “should be embarrassed” by the “disgusting and awful” content defiling the website.

Readers, I hear you. The Free Beacon hired me to be your advocate—a thoughtful listener who welcomes your feedback (positive and negative) and channels your energy to demand constructive change from leadership. Alas, having carefully considered your concerns regarding our Independence Day post featuring a scantily clad Kate Upton, I have determined that they are frivolous and unwarranted.

For crying out loud. Get a life, people.

The Free Beacon will never apologize for loving Kate Upton and honoring her exquisite physical gifts. I implore the obnoxious nerds clogging my inbox to consult the enduring words of our late founder, Matthew Continetti: “Kate Upton stands for everything good about America. I can’t imagine an approach to conservatism that excludes her. Indeed, I would say Kate Upton is American freedom personified.”

Indeed! Complaining about the Free Beacon’s justified infatuation with Kate Upton is like complaining that watching women’s sports is terribly boring, or getting mad at the New York Times opinion page for publishing left-wing propaganda. No shit! What did you expect? You probably wouldn’t like it if I came to your house unannounced and whined incessantly about all the stupid “Wine O’Clock” throw pillows on your dirty ass couch.

Is this what you want? 

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? 

Let me just say that some of your offered feedback that was thoughtful and constructive. One anonymous reader asked, “Is the young lady in the star-spangled bikini a Beacon staff member?” and requested a meeting. Twitter user @k_ewiley wrote: “In all fairness, why don’t you post a pic of a hunk male firefighter for us patriotic ladies? I appreciate a lovely lady wearing a skimpy bikini top, but not as much as a handsome shirtless man.”

Fair enough. Please enjoy the following image of shirtless hunk Elliott Abrams, the foremost freedom-loving beefcake from sea to shining sea. God bless America, folks! Thanks for reading!

Diddle out.