Biden Rallies the Resistance, Urges Americans Not to Base Their Votes on Inflation and Other Trivial Concerns

President Joe Biden delivered an unusual speech Wednesday night, urging Americans who don’t support his policies to vote for Democratic candidates anyway in order to save democracy from “Extreme MAGA Republicans” and other “dark forces” threatening to destroy the country.

“We must vote knowing what’s at stake and not just the policy of the moment,” Biden said at Union Station in Washington, D.C., the former site of a massive homeless encampment. “In our bones, we know democracy is at risk.”

The president framed the upcoming midterm elections as “a struggle for the very soul of America,” implicitly scolding voters who might be inclined to support Republicans because they’re concerned about the rising cost of living due to the rampant inflation on Biden’s watch.

Americans should not base their votes on petty personal concerns, the president argued, because this was a “defining moment” for the country that required “all Americans regardless of party” to speak with “one unified voice” in support of Democrats. “This is no ordinary year,” he said. “So I ask you to think long and hard about the moment we are in.”

Biden, 79, began the speech by drawing a direct connection between the January 6th storming of the Capitol building and last week’s attack on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s (D., Calif.) husband, who was bludgeoned with a hammer by a deranged nudist in San Francisco. “We don’t settle our differences in America with a riot, a mob, or a bullet or a hammer, we settle them peacively [sic] at the battle blox [sic]— ballot box,” the president articulated.

Both events were “the consequences of lies” peddled by the “defeated former president” and his allies who comprise the “extreme MAGA element of the Republican Party,” which Biden described as a “minority” but also the “driving force” of the GOP.

Questioning the legitimacy of an election was simply “un-American,” said Biden, who warned earlier this year that the 2022 election “would easily be illegitimate” unless Congress approved a sweeping election reform bill. (The legislation didn’t pass.) He went on to tout the “record turnout” across the country, which has complicated Democratic efforts to accuse Republicans of voter suppression.

The speech, which was reportedly co-written by celebrity historian Jon Meacham, was riddled with clichés that probably won’t resonate with the average voter, but might inspire the handful of #Resistance weirdos to tweet passionately: “Democracies are more than a form of government, they’re a

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