Klavan Reveals The True Meaning Of Christmas

The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“

Well, it’s Christmas, and you know what that means, and neither do I. This is the day when God came into the world to tell us to stop judging and to forgive one another, which of course we have absolutely no intention of doing, so we better buy a lot of presents and maybe that’ll get us off the hook. Also, we can gather around the television and watch “A Christmas Carol” in which Scrooge learns to love his neighbors and give his money away, and that always brings a tear to our eyes because we’re not going to do that either. For one thing, my neighbor’s a jackass, plus it’s my damn money, so stop bothering me, I’m trying to watch “A Christmas Carol.”

Now on the first Christmas Eve, as we all remember from a “Charlie Brown Christmas Special,” the shepherds were watching their flocks or washing their socks or something with ocks in it, although actually the ox was in the manger with the baby Jesus, probably washing his socks. I don’t remember the story exactly, but I think there were some wise men who came from the east, maybe the Hamptons, possibly Persia, and they gave the baby expensive presents like gold and frankincense and myrrh. And Jesus was probably like, “What am I gonna do with myrrh? I don’t even know what that is.” And the wise men were like, “Just take the presents and stop telling us to love our neighbors okay, because, believe me, if you knew our neighbors, you wouldn’t be saying that.” Which, if that’s any indication, they were probably from the Hamptons, since some of the people in Persia are pretty nice.

And because Jesus was born, everybody changed and became good, and you could tell everyone was good because they had signs outside their houses that said, “Love is love,” and “No one is illegal.” And Jesus was like, “What is with ‘Love is love,’ that doesn’t even mean anything. What, do you people just babble stupid nonsense and think that gets you points with me? Plus if no one is illegal, how come when all those illegals came to Martha’s Vineyard, you bused them out of there so fast, Jill Biden could only say they were as unique as a breakfast tac, because she didn’t have enough time to get to O before the whole combination plate was back on the mainland. I guess that’s ‘Love is love’ for you, ya stupid shmucks. Yeah, that’s Yiddish. Know why? I’m a Jew. So that’s another thing: stop waving those crosses around and hating on Jewish people, or you’ll get a big surprise and you won’t like it. I’ll show you ‘Love is love,’ ya fakakta goyim.’”

Personally, I think by the time the first Christmas was over, Jesus was pretty much fed up with the whole business.

Anyway, another important thing about Christmas is gathering with family, those bastards. Over Thanksgiving, the Biden administration issued some guidelines on how to respond if your conservative uncle criticized President Biden by pointing out he practically destroyed the economy, set the streets on fire with crime, abandoned the rule of law in order to dismantle our borders, and fell under the sway of a fetishistic fad by defending the sexual butchering of young people on the basis of zero science. Now, I don’t know what the administration’s recommended response actually was because, let’s face it, in this chaos, who cares? But I thought it would be a good idea if we conservatives could issue some guidelines of our own on how to respond if, say, your leftist brother-in-law should come to Christmas dinner and start spouting off about how Donald Trump was a threat to democracy because of some damn fool thing he thinks happened that obviously didn’t. Now remember, it’s Christmas, so you don’t want to start an argument and ruin everybody’s dinner. Just quietly take your brother-in-law aside and show him the pictures you took of him messing around with the pool boy and tell him the next time you storm the capitol, you expect to see him right there next to you smearing crap on the walls of Congress like any other good patriot.

So that’s my Christmas message this year. And remember, Jesus wants us to love and forgive one another, so buy a lotta-lotta presents because basically, that’s all we got going for us. And don’t forget the myrrh.

Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to order his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those

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