Leftists Promise To Rewrite The Classic Works Of Roald Dahl As They Redesign Western Culture

Andrew KlavanFebruary 24, 2023

Here is the opening satirical monologue to “Andrew Klavan Show.“

To ensure that the bestselling Roald Dahl children’s book is not offensive to cultural locusts without a sense of humor, a group of concerned cultural locusts has been rewriting them. Crappy McCocust, president of Puffin publishers, said that loved creative works like “Charlie and The Chocolate Factory” “James and the Giant Peach,” To bring them up to the standard of uncreative, unlovable people, they will be rewritten.

An amusing passage, for example, is from “James and the Giant Peach” Aunt Sponge is a similar character. “fat and pulpy as a jellyfish,” With “a white, flabby face that looked as if it had been boiled,” It will be stripped of all humor and originality so that it doesn’t distract fatsos while he stuffs his flabby faces. These are the words “mothers and fathers” The book is being edited “Matilda” a substitute for the word “parents,” So that children don’t discover how babies were made, Puffin Books president suggests his mother was a lie when she told him the story about the stork.

Now I understand what some of your thoughts are. You’re thinking: “Oh Klavan, you steaming hot hunk of hilarity, I have to protest that your depiction of Puffin publishing as a squirming den of crap-faced cultural locusts without a sense of humor run by a humorless man named Crappy McLocust is simply too absurd to be believable even though it does make me laugh hysterically while experiencing a deep sense of yearning for the masterful touch of your powerful yet gentle hands.”

And okay, the guy’s name isn’t really Crappy McLocust — perhaps because he suffered a disfiguring naming accident at birth. Rest assured, this is not a hoax. Amazingly, the edits are all real.

Puffin Publishers acted on the betrayal their sacred trust to a deceased author who was listed among the most important British writers since 1945. This was done in conjunction with Inclusive Minds which describes itself as “Inclusive Minds”. [quote – and this is a real quote] “a collaboration of consultants and campaigners with a passion for inclusion, diversity, equality and accessibility in children’s literature, who have no talent or accomplishments of our own and so destroy the work of people who do have talent and accomplishments so we won’t feel so bad about being the pinched, empty, miserable and small-minded no-talents that we are.” [unquote] The whole quote might not be true. I’m not certain.

After leaving his job as a leader of Taliban in Afghanistan, Mullah Olam, who was responsible for the redesign of Buddhas of Bamiyan, became the director of Inclusive Minds. Omar ordered the destruction of 15-hundred year-old monumental statues. They didn’t conform to his cultural standards and were not sensitive to the feelings of fanatic, black-hearted destroyers of great art works like himself and others at Inclusive Minds. Omar stated that although he was uncomfortable with the idea of dynamiting Roald Dal’s books, editing them to make them more contemporary would have an impact on the future generation’s willingness to dynamite them.

Mr. Omar indicated that he hopes to continue his collaboration with Puffin Books and their parent company Penguin Books. Penguin Books is home to a wide range of classic books Mr. Omar loves and can’t get enough of. Once he removes all offensive words from Penguin’s collection, Omar hopes that his organization can be combined with Penguin to create Penguin-Taliban or Taliban Penguin. As head of Inclusive Minds Mr. Omar stated that he hopes to eventually redesign Western culture in the same manner he redesigned Buddhas of Bamiyan.

To be fair, I should mention that Puffin President Crappy McNult and Inclusive Director Mullah Omar couldn’t have attempted to desecrate Roald Dal’s work without the permission of Fatso Flabbyface Roald’s copyright holder.

Andrew Klavan The Andrew Klavan show hosts on The Daily Wire. Klavan, a popular political satirist who is also a screenwriter in Hollywood, is also an award-winning novelist. Klavan’s newest novel is Strange Habit of