10 Ridiculous Assumptions Needed to Buy into the White House-Cocaine Failure Theater

The Circus in⁤ Washington, ‍D.C.

The idiots‌ running the asylum formerly⁣ known ⁤as​ Washington, D.C.,​ aren’t even trying anymore. Gone are the days when malfeasance and hoaxes⁤ were ⁢respectably cloaked ‌in‍ falsehoods that ⁢at⁤ least ⁣sounded plausible. ‌Now, the‍ emperor knows he has ⁤no clothes,‌ he ​knows you know it, and‍ he doesn’t care⁢ —‍ in fact, he might‍ march down⁤ the street ‍and gyrate ​in your⁢ face.

It’s‍ not⁤ a ⁤good ​development ⁢for​ lovers of⁤ self-governance, but there’s ⁢a​ kind⁢ of ‌camaraderie‍ in knowing everyone else⁤ with ⁢half ​a brain ‍cell can see through the act.‌ Besides, it’s obvious‍ the ⁤clownish ⁤powers-that-be think you’re ‍utterly ⁤stupid, and⁢ there’s a tactical ⁢advantage to‌ being ​underestimated.

In ⁤their ⁤latest ​act of ​condescending foolery, ⁢they’ve ‌flaunted what was​ either a shameless ⁣coverup or unbelievable incompetence⁤ in the Mysterious ‌Case​ of the Teeny-Tiny Cocaine​ Baggie Someone Left Somewhere in the White House But That’s All​ We Know, Folks. ​The​ messaging‍ has‍ fluctuated from‌ “Must have been a tourist!” ⁣to ‌“Kamala?” to⁢ “It’s irresponsible ‍to ask ​questions about ⁢this,”⁢ but the bottom ⁤line is that ‌there’s no way,⁣ absolutely⁣ not, ‍that ‌it could possibly belong ⁤to‌ admitted⁢ drug ‌addict ​and apparent ‌White House resident‍ Hunter Biden —⁤ no doubt about⁢ it.

I’m⁢ sure‌ they’re counting on some people to⁣ be stupid enough ‍to buy the act, and I’m​ sure some⁣ have. ⁤But ⁤they’re counting ⁢on⁤ far‍ more to be ‌complacent ​enough not​ to care.

Here ⁣are‍ 10 assumptions you have⁤ to ‍gulp⁣ down in order to make the‍ bumbling White House’s‌ talking points make ⁣sense.

1. A ‌Tourist ​Would Be Brazen Enough‌ to Bring‍ Cocaine to the West Wing and⁤ Leave ‌It There

This ⁢one isn’t impossible, ⁤if‍ you⁢ think⁣ a tourist⁣ sneaking cocaine ​past ⁣the⁤ White House’s ​modern security ‍apparatus ⁢is ‌no‌ different than when​ guest‌ Willie Nelson‌ smoked⁤ weed ‍on the White House roof ⁣with‌ Jimmy Carter’s⁢ son.⁤ In a ⁣world where federal⁢ officials​ can⁤ discover almost ⁤anything there‍ is‍ to⁤ know ​about⁤ anyone⁢ who ⁢steps foot anywhere, thanks⁣ to the internet ​and the⁢ cooperation of the⁣ countless ​corporations that ⁢sell⁢ your⁤ personal information to the highest bidder,⁣ it’s ⁣hard ⁢to imagine someone thinking he could just waltz into ⁢the West Wing with cocaine‍ … ⁤and then​ choosing to⁣ take‍ it⁤ out⁢ of ‍his pocket and⁢ leave⁢ it there.

2.‌ The⁣ Cocaine ⁤Made It Through Security Checkpoints

To ‍enter the ​White House ​complex, ⁢not ‍to mention ⁣the‌ West Wing,⁢ isn’t ‌a walk in the park.​ “This entrance is ‌used by​ very few ‍people — just White House‍ staff ‍and ⁤people‌ with [a] pre-approved‍ appointment in the ⁢West Wing,” Sen. Mike Lee noted. ⁤“Non-staff⁣ have to⁣ go‌ through ⁤multiple layers ⁣of security ⁣screening, and can⁣ enter only after‍ they’ve​ been ‍vetted and ‌approved by the ‍Secret ⁣Service.”

Besides,⁢ have⁢ you‍ ever ‍been through⁤ a security ‍screening where you didn’t have to ‌empty your‌ pockets?‍ Essentially, ​you’re being asked ⁤to believe ‍that the most sensitive, high-security ⁤office in America⁢ has a screening ​process that’s lazier‍ than ⁤the cranky TSA‍ babysitters ⁤who⁣ can’t​ tell⁢ plastic explosives from a ⁣block ⁤of ⁢aged cheddar.

Not‌ to ‍mention, ​do you believe ​the talking ⁢point that the⁢ Secret Service dogs​ “do​ not ‌sniff⁢ for ⁤drugs”?

3. White House Security Cameras Are⁢ Useless

Security cameras ‍are everywhere these⁣ days — in D.C., they’ll​ even ‌snap a ‍photo of⁤ your license ‌plate⁤ without ⁢your knowledge if⁣ they⁣ catch ⁢you speeding and then ⁣fine you ⁤by mail, so ⁢you‌ never ⁣have⁣ to⁢ deal​ with‌ being pulled over!

But ⁢in the​ case ‌of the ⁤cocaine ​coverup, the security​ cameras in the West ⁢Wing just‍ aren’t fancy enough ⁤to⁤ catch‍ people walking around ⁣with‍ controlled​ substances.⁤ The cubbies in which the ​eight-ball⁢ was ​supposedly found just aren’t‍ in‌ the cameras’ range, see. The elusive ‌junkie ⁣probably knew that, you know,⁤ and ⁤left‍ his ⁤cocaine ‌in ‍the one ⁤spot the security​ cameras ⁣don’t​ reach.

4.⁢ Visitor⁢ Logs⁢ Are⁣ Also Useless

If‌ the​ cameras are ⁤no‌ help,‌ at‌ least the White House‍ keeps thorough visitor logs of the⁤ people⁤ who⁤ enter!⁢ But‍ those ⁣are ​no ⁣help either. ⁤Someone ‌should tell the ⁤Bidens’ foreign​ accomplices that there’s⁣ no ‌need⁢ to ​arrange ‌secret ​meetings with⁣ Joe Biden‌ at⁤ his‌ Deleware⁤ home, where ⁢no⁤ public ‍visitor‌ logs are ‍kept — they can apparently stroll ⁣into the‍ White House without a trace!

5. The Careless Cocaine⁤ Carrier Was ⁢Wearing ​Gloves on⁢ a Hot ‍Summer‍ Day

A ‍Secret⁢ Service investigation⁣ concluded that the​ plastic⁢ bag​ containing ⁣cocaine had ⁤no fingerprints on ​it. So either: Plastic bags⁤ are mysteriously resistant to fingerprints​ now, or ​the person⁢ who ⁣was⁣ careless enough to‍ bring cocaine to ‍the‌ White House​ thought to wear ​gloves⁢ on⁤ a ‌hot​ July day⁢ to ​conceal his fingerprints. Also, ‍his⁤ DNA ⁤was⁣ nowhere ⁣to ⁤be‌ found.

6.​ Secret Service⁣ Would Have‍ Been ​Helpless if ‌the Baggie⁣ Were Full ‌of⁢ Ricin

The obvious implication​ of the⁢ message from the Secret​ Service and ‍the⁢ White ‌House ⁢— “Whoopsie, ‍we’re totally incompetent to ‌find ⁢the guy⁣ who did this or prevent it from⁣ happening again. Oh ‍well!” — ‌is that ‌their response would have​ been⁤ just as⁣ helpless ‍if the ​baggie were full of a⁤ different kind‍ of ⁤poisonous​ white powder, like ricin. If‌ ricin​ somehow made it into⁤ the West Wing, do you think they’d shrug and‍ close⁤ the​ investigation‌ down​ with the⁢ same⁣ impotent​ excuses?

7.⁣ The Drug⁤ Addict⁢ Living at the ⁣White House ⁢Is⁣ Not ​a Worthwhile ‌Investigative ‌Lead

If ‌you’ve ever seen a crime⁣ show, ⁢you‌ probably⁣ think ⁣that‌ after ⁣a ‌crime is ‌committed, the ‍cops survey ⁣the⁤ possible⁣ persons of interest‌ and then ​determine a suspect based on relevant‍ circumstances.

If⁤ you think that logical process is‍ how our⁣ federal law enforcement still works, think ‍again. Hunter‌ Biden,‍ who⁣ discussed his⁤ longstanding ⁤drug addiction in his​ memoir⁤ and abandoned⁢ a⁢ laptop ⁤full of​ evidence of him ‍doing⁤ drugs ⁣with⁤ prostitutes, ‌is ⁢suspected‍ to be ‍living⁣ at⁣ the​ White‍ House with his‍ president father.⁢ And ‌contrary​ to ‍the⁢ claims of⁤ White⁢ House ‌Press⁤ Secretary ​Karine ⁣Jean-Pierre, ‍press ⁤pool‍ reports indicate Hunter‌ and the Biden family⁣ were at the‍ White House two days⁣ before⁤ the cocaine‍ was ⁤discovered.

But if you’re ​thinking ⁣the obvious‍ question⁣ — ‍Was⁤ the ⁣cocaine Hunter ⁣Biden’s? — ‍you ⁤clearly‌ don’t know ‍how the pros operate.

8. The Man Who⁣ Left​ a ⁢Laptop⁢ Full of Criminal Evidence Lying Around ⁣Wouldn’t ‍Do the⁢ Same with‍ Nose Candy

Would Hunter Biden ⁤really be so foolish⁢ as ⁢to leave ⁢cocaine lying ⁤around ‌in the White ​House, especially considering ⁤that ​the ‍sweetheart⁣ plea deal he struck​ with ‍federal prosecutors to​ escape ⁢jail time⁤ for ⁤his tax ‍and ⁢gun crimes​ is contingent⁣ on him‍ staying clean for ⁣two years?

Nah,‍ surely ⁣the⁤ guy​ who never ‌returned⁣ to pick‍ up a⁤ laptop he ‍dropped off ⁤at⁢ a ‍repair shop — a laptop‌ packed‍ with ⁢correspondence implicating Hunter ⁢and then-VP ⁣Joe⁢ Biden⁤ in ⁤a ​pay-for-play⁢ scheme with⁤ foreign associates, ⁢as ⁣well as⁣ not-fit-to-print‌ photos of Hunter’s escapades⁢ with pay-for-play women — wouldn’t⁣ be⁢ sloppy enough to leave Colombian bam-bam lying⁣ around the most high-profile‍ home‌ office‍ in America.

9.​ Secret Service‌ Would Never ⁣Cover ‌for the ​Bidens‍ (Even ‌Though They⁢ Have Before)

The Secret Service wouldn’t‍ purposefully⁤ make ​themselves look like ‌bumbling idiots just to save Hunter Biden’s regrettably⁢ well-documented rear‍ end, would⁤ they?

Well, ⁣they have before, according to a ⁢2021 report ‍originally⁣ published⁤ by Politico. ⁤After‌ a gun ​belonging to Hunter ⁢Biden⁢ “went⁢ temporarily missing after‍ his ‍late brother’s wife ‍and ⁤his⁢ then-love interest ⁣threw it away ​in a trash can near ‌a ⁢grocery ⁤store ​in 2018,” only to ⁣have the gun go ‍missing, Secret ​Service agents involved themselves‍ in ‌the ⁢missing ⁣gun investigation ‍being ⁣conducted by police⁢ and the FBI, and “reportedly ⁢visited‍ the gun ‌store⁣ where Hunter ‍purchased the revolver earlier⁢ that‍ month‍ and ⁣demanded the owner turn⁣ over the ‌Firearms Transaction⁣ Record used during ⁣Hunter’s purchase,” as The ⁢Federalist’s Jordan⁢ Boyd explained.

The​ gun‌ store owner​ suspected ⁣“that⁢ the Secret Service‍ officers ‌wanted to​ hide Hunter’s⁢ ownership of ⁣the‍ missing​ gun in case it were to be ​involved⁤ in ‍a crime,”‌ sources ​told Politico. The‌ Secret Service⁢ denies having any ‌record of ​the incident.

10.‍ It’s⁤ Totally Normal⁤ That the⁣ White House ⁢Won’t Deny the Cocaine Is‌ the ⁢Bidens’

You’d think ⁢the White House‍ could just end this‌ whole ​fiasco by reassuring⁣ the ⁢American ⁣people ⁤that ‌the⁤ cocaine ⁤doesn’t ⁣belong to‌ any⁤ of them. Just‍ like​ Biden ​could make the brewing scandal over ⁤his apparently foreign ⁣bribery​ scheme⁣ go away⁢ if⁢ he ⁢just ⁢explained why he ​and‍ most ⁤of⁢ his ‍family⁤ were receiving millions⁤ from foreign nationals.

But he hasn’t,⁣ and won’t. ​Instead, we get bizarre ⁤invocations ⁢of the‍ Hatch⁤ Act — which ⁤bars ⁣federal employees from partisan‍ political ⁤activity — while‌ the White ‌House press ⁢secretary‍ dodges reporters’ ⁣questions by‍ shaming any⁢ inquiry⁣ about ⁤the ⁣cocaine⁤ as “incredibly irresponsible.”

It‍ would take a​ willful idiot to buy all ⁢these assumptions⁣ at face value. ‍And that’s precisely what the​ White House ⁤is counting on.