2024 Candidates’ Song Choices Reveal All

Unveiling the Musical Tastes‍ of Presidential Candidates

Every now and then, a writer will attempt​ to grab stupidity by the tail but succeed in grabbing brilliance by the horns. Screenwriters Chris Mattheson and Ed Solomon did this with “Bill‍ and Ted’s⁤ Excellent Adventure” in 1989.‌ I ‌did this while explaining the Trump ​phenomenon through the lens of‌ professional⁢ wrestling in 2018.‌ Recently Politico Magazine did this in a piece attempting to compile the⁤ top 20‍ songs of the⁢ various individuals running for ‍president.

In a fluffy kind of way, this‍ kind of ⁣piece is​ nice. It’s delightful to catch a waft of humanity from‍ people whose personalities all ⁤seem to have⁤ been sandblasted ⁣away and repainted with the generic brush by public relations consultants years ago. ⁤It’s also nice to discover that people who have drastically different visions for ⁤our country ‍can‍ still share our musical tastes — a reminder that​ art can still ​trump ideology in the era of Trump.

I⁢ imagine that’s what Politico was aiming⁢ for⁢ in this piece. Instead, it gave us a⁤ clearer look into the minds of these POTUS-hopefuls than ‍any pre-election exposé or post-election memoir could offer. While only a handful‍ of‍ the presidential candidates responded, those who did respond offered‌ playlists that are a perfect crystallization of their​ respective weaknesses and strengths. Let’s look at some of their selections:

Chris Christie

• Thunder Road — Bruce Springsteen
• Gimme Shelter — Rolling Stones
• Pressure — Billy Joel
• Livin’ on a Prayer — Bon Jovi
• Pink Houses — John Mellencamp
• Run to You — ‌Bryan Adams
• Finish What Ya Started — Van Halen

Who is Chris Christie? A pugnacious, occasional truth-spewing blowhard ‌shouting instantly ⁣memorable chorus-y catchphrases but ultimately ‌undone by his terminal New Jerseyness. It’s⁢ all too much — Springsteen, Joel‍ (Piano Springsteen), Bon ‌Jovi (Hair Springsteen), Mellencamp (Farmer Springsteen). Add “Gimme Shelter,” the hallmark of a half-dozen Scorcese movie soundtracks still blasting from the speakers of a thousand late ’80s Mustangs in Hackensack, and you see the problem.

There was‌ a ⁣time ⁣when the‍ Garden State grittiness was charming. But then “The Sopranos” faded from ⁣our cultural memory and all that ⁣stood‌ before ⁣us ‌was Bryan Adams schmalz and Van Hagar hackery. We see you, sir. ‌All ‌bluster,⁤ no backbone.

Nikki Haley

• I Love ⁢Rock ‘N’ Roll — Joan Jett
• I Want You To Want Me —⁤ Cheap Trick
• She’s A Beauty — The Tubes
• American Girl ⁣ — Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
• Take Me to Church ‌ — Hozier

Check it out, a chick who rocks! And a​ chick‍ who rocks wholesomely! ‌Cheap Trick? Tom ‌Petty? The one inoffensive jam from proto-shock-rockers The Tubes? ⁤She’s⁣ like the girl version of ‌a friend! This works! There’s no reason⁢ this ⁣won’t ⁤work.‌ Well, except “Take Me to Church.”⁣ What’s this sacrilegious screed​ doing in this list ‌of Red State medium-rock⁤ classics? Has she not ‍paid attention to the lyrics? Has ⁤she not seen ⁢the “Christians are all gay ‍bashers video” music video? Something ‌feels off here. What’s going on, Governor? What mysterious,‍ malevolent corporate overlord is ​paying you to push​ Hozier on the American people?

Vivek Ramaswamy

• Lose Yourself — Eminem
• Rondo Alla Turca — Mozart
• Centuries — Fall Out Boy
• Believer — Imagine⁢ Dragons
• Thunder — Imagine Dragons
• Jolene ‍— Dolly Parton
• Dream⁢ On — Aerosmith
• Pastures of Plenty — Woody Guthrie

Vivek Ramaswamy enters his room of mirrors and stares⁤ into ⁢the Venetian looking glass. He adjusts his necktie. Pulling his gaze away from his reflection, he stares ​at the candlelit​ icon in⁣ his alcove ⁣— Guy Smiley, Muppet game show ‍host, mouth agape, eyes lifeless. He is one with Guy Smiley. The Smiley he shall become.

“Ever since I was a child,” Vivek Ramaswamy chants like a hyperactive honors student, “I have loved music that​ people listen to. The songs I ⁢cherish so much are the ones that ​you have no doubt ⁣also heard at an unhinged Nashville bridal shower or‌ encountered in a thrilling Madden game ⁣of football. Like you, I have always been drawn to music of soaring beauty that proclaims everlasting⁣ truths, truths like those found‍ in the works of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the Imagine Dragons, free-market cultural icon Woody ⁣Guthrie, and once again, the Imagine Dragons.”

Will Hurd

• I Gotta‍ Go — Robert Earl Keen
• My Way — Steve Aoki, Aloe Blacc
• Award Tour (feat. ‌Trugoy the Dove) — A Tribe Called Quest, Trugoy the Dove
• Doowutchyalike ​— Digital Underground
• Boyz-N-The-Hood — Eazy-E
• One Day ‍— Matisyahu
• Sorry Not Sorry — Demi Lovato
• Shake It Off — Taylor⁣ Swift

Will Hurd’s list‌ of retro deep-cuts and semi-ironic grooves outs the⁣ Texas ex-congressman as a too-clever-by-half geek-chic millennial promising, “Just give me a shot. You’ll really like it.” You ⁤don’t want to ⁤give him ‌the ‌satisfaction of getting your vote, but dang it, he⁤ might be right.

Larry‌ Elder

• My⁤ Girl ⁤ — The Temptations
• Midnight Train to ‌Georgia — ⁢Gladys Knight and the Pips
• A Change is Going to Come — ⁤Sam Cooke
• I’ll Take You There — Staple Singers
• End of the Road — Boyz II Men
• The Twist — Chubby Checker
• Crying — Roy⁢ Orbison

Pure, ‌crisp, wholesome, and ‍familiar, Larry Elder shares much in common with these silky-voiced singers your grandmother would love⁣ to support if only she could remember their names.

Asa Hutchinson

• Get the Party Started ⁣—‍ Pink
• When I’m Sixty-Four — The Beatles
• Friends in Low Places ⁢— Garth Brooks
• Sweet Caroline — ⁢Neil Diamond

A nice collection of pop hits ‌from the five-dollar bin⁢ that ⁢Hutchinson has deeply and steadfastly loved since the moment Walmart ‍execs told him to.

Cornel West

• Love Supreme — John Coltrane
• The Caravan​ of Love — The Isley Brothers
• Respect — Aretha Franklin
• Mississippi G-dd-m — Nina Simone

Politico asked for 20 ⁢tracks. West gave them four — four quite beautiful songs, fitting for a man who speaks quite beautifully on about four issues. West’s playlist reflects a ⁢presidential candidate you​ would definitely like despite not liking anybody else who ⁣likes him.

Unfortunately, that’s where Politico’s list ends, with no submissions from three‍ of the biggest-name candidates. Fortunately, thanks to the power of personality-playlist-reverse-engineering, I’ve managed to figure out one of each man’s favorite tunes.

Joe Biden

The Tears of a Clown — Smokey Robinson & the Miracles

This classic reminds President Biden​ of the ⁢summer he spent jamming in‍ Detroit with the Funk Brothers at Motown Studios. Pops took him down to the studio, and he was laying down some fat bass⁣ tracks, a little too hot for Flattop Tony and the rest of the boys. “Hey Joe,” Smokey said. “Cut⁢ that out. ⁢You’re playing like a‌ lady in a dress​ out there.”

“Hey Jack, listen up,” the ⁣future president told Smokey. “Trans rights ⁤are human rights. Get with the picture.”

That’s how they stopped the Tet Offensive.

Donald‌ Trump

Rich Men North of Richmond — Donald Trump

An enormous fan of Oliver Anthony’s lament against the corruption of America’s political class, President Trump recently recorded his own cover version. As soon as “Disloyal” Oliver agrees to waive the licensing fee, the ⁢former president plans on selling his cover version of the ​working man’s anthem for 20 bucks a pop ⁤as a ‍fundraiser. What a great way to let impoverished coal miners ⁤pay ⁢for the legal fees⁢ of a billionaire!

Ron DeSantis

I Was​ So Much ‍Happier Before Everybody Told Me ⁣to Smile — Morrissey