Jean-Pierre Thanks The Press For Regurgitating Her Propaganda

In a largely congenial pre-Thanksgiving press conference, Karine Jean-Pierre served the White House press corps a turkey dinner and expressed her gratitude for all the media have done for the Biden-Harris administration over the past four years.

“Thank you. No, really, I mean that,” Jean-Pierre, who was wearing a tall, black pilgrim hat, gushed from the podium. “If I could speak candidly for just a moment, thank you for greedily gobbling up everything we served you here over the past four years and then — pardon the analogy here — regurgitating it for the American people. Even if the quality of some of the ingredients fluctuated from time to time, you always snarfed it down.”

A few members of the White House press corps nodded and smiled tearfully as Jean-Pierre continued. “I mean, I really had some complicated narratives to serve up. You zealously adopted our messaging on the president’s health, ‘reproductive rights,’ the Afghanistan withdrawal, the border — that was some rubbery turkey, so to speak. But you guys didn’t bat an eye — even when the president dropped out of the race and remained in office. You could have made that very awkward, but you didn’t. I could see some of you almost choking, but you kept it down and acted like that coup, er, transition, was not totally unprecedented. You correctly followed our lead that Kamala Harris was never the border czar, that Trump was a Hitlerian threat to democracy, and that Project 2025 was the scariest thing ever. You understood the moment we were in, and I’m truly grateful for that.”

After her heartfelt thank you and before serving the correspondents a meal, Jean-Pierre took time for a few questions, including a query from Fox News’ Peter Doocy.

“Earlier this week, President Biden seemed to imply that he was literally physically present with the pilgrims on that first Thanksgiving,” Doocy began, “even going so far as supposedly recounting the details of specific conversations with Squanto and William Bradford. If the president had been present, that would make him approximately four hundred years old. What are the American people to make of such a bizarre claim?”

“Come on, Peter, it’s ridiculous and dangerous that you would ask such a question, and it’s no wonder you ended up back there in that corner with questions like that,” Jean-Pierre lectured, gesturing to where Doocy (wearing a dunce’s cap) sat perched on a stool like a giant blond-haired gargoyle. “The president was very clear on this. I’ve been clear on this. He knew about William Bradford. He imagined what it was like on the Mayflower. He could see himself joking with Squanto.”

As White House kitchen staff handed out giant plastic bibs and served reporters 3D-printed turkey and rehydrated mashed potatoes, one newspaper journalist heckled Doocy, who had been pointedly handed a plate of cold peas.

“I couldn’t care less about your vegan turkey,” Doocy shouted back.

When asked if she would miss her job parroting Democrat talking points, Jean-Pierre quickly brushed the question aside, noting that there is a system in place that would allow her to seamlessly transition to a legacy media outlet where she could fill essentially the same role for the next forty years.