DOGE Targets Insane Budget Earmarked for Candy, Blankets, Comic Books, and Stuffed Animals

The Department of Government Efficiency has only been officially around for a few days, and already, DOGE has an easy target to reduce government waste: Stop paying for stuffed doges.

Or stuffed dogs, if you don’t like the meme spelling. Or stuffed animals, period. Or candy, or blankets, or comic books, or jar grip openers.

Yes, in more proof that DOGE might be the most necessary creation of the nascent Trump administration 2.0, the Senate DOGE caucus has identified $1.8 billion (you read that right) in discretionary spending in the government that buys stuff only an eighth-grader should want — and certainly not with taxpayer cash.

“Senate DOGE Caucus chair Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) has re-upped legislation to cut roughly $2 billion in taxpayer money spent on swag to promote federal agencies,” the New York Post reported Thursday.

“Expenditures in Ernst’s crosshairs went toward agency mascots, fidget spinners, coloring books, koozies, comic books, and other items the Iowan’s team has called ‘purely propaganda.’”

Or, as some lawmaker’s 13-year-old nephew probably called the mountain of juvenile waste, “totally skibidi sigma.”

“You might mistake Washington for a very expensive kid’s birthday party, with federal employees playing dress up, appearing as mascots, and making coloring books,” Ernst said in a statement, according to the U.K.’s Daily Mail.

Ernst has introduced the Stop Wasteful Advertising by the Government, or SWAG, Act to curb this wastefulness. Aside from the Iowa Republican’s unfortunate decision to use a cute, tortured acronym to draw attention to the bill, the legislation isn’t just wise but necessary, considering our dire budget straits and the small-scale arrant profligacy it would eliminate.

The bill wouldn’t just defund any mascot that isn’t congressionally approved, it would also end government funding for merch associated with said mascots. This includes, according to the Mail, “promotional blankets, buttons, candy, clothing, coloring books, graphic novels, cups, fidget spinners, hats, holiday ornaments, jar grip openers, keychains, koozies, magnets, neck ties, snuggies, stickers, stress balls, stuffed animals, thermoses, tote bags, trading cards, and writing utensils.”

These are items found in the disheveled bedroom of the dorkiest kid in your middle school graduating class, not a federal budget — and it’s an easy first target for DOGE to drop like a bad habit. (I mean, aside from Vivek Ramaswamy.)

While mascots you know and love, like Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl — U.S. Forest Service icons that Congress has approved — won’t be affected, it’s more than a little hilarious to hear what swag will see the ax if this passes.

“The Department of Agriculture’s creepy green mutant pest named ‘Vin Vasive’ — a play on an invasive species – and the Department of Homeland Security’s bear and dog mascots, ‘Agent Teddy’ and ‘Tracker,’ would all be defunded under the measure,” the Mail reported, among others.

We’re doggone excited to reintroduce our German shepherd mascot, Tracker. Tracker is thrilled for school to be back in session so he can take part in school presentations with our Border Community Liaison agents. #K9 #Tracker #YumaSector #germanshepherd #backtoschool #BCL #mascot pic.twitter.com/x0dw2QBy8l

— Chief Patrol Agent – Yuma Sector (@USBPChiefYUM) August 22, 2024

Introducing MacDill’s New Mascot, ‘Champa Boom.’ Don’t Worry, His Blue Hair Is in Regshttps://t.co/Er25kRuutc

— Air & Space Forces Magazine (@ASForcesMag) November 17, 2023

Hear me out, Vin Vasive, the USDA APHIS invasive insects spokesman. pic.twitter.com/2xmxEyKDOe

— Alanis🌿🪰 (@RavenGlitterx) November 19, 2024

I forget — which “Mystery Science Theater 3000” movie was Vin Vasive featured in? “Manos: The Omnibus Reconciliation Bill of Fate“?

There’s also a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention comic book, “The Junior Disease Detectives: Operation Outbreak,” which talks about the origin story of viruses. I haven’t read it, but I’m guessing the Junior Disease Detectives don’t take a road trip to the Wuhan Institute of Virology or the offices of EcoHealth Alliance. Just a hunch.

Whatever the case, Ernst says it’s time for this stuff to go.

“I am going to crash the party and bag this costly swag,” Ernst’s statement continued. “Misbehaving bureaucrats need to stop wasting tax dollars trying to refurbish their bad reputation, and focus on serving the American people.”

And yes, $1.8 billion is — quite sadly — a drop in the bucket when it comes to government waste, but this is emblematic of just how much largesse there is to be cut. If we can easily identify nearly $2 billion (with a B) in prima facie wasteful spending on junk like comic books, furry-bait mascots, government-branded fidget spinners, and jar-grip openers, just think of what else we can get rid of if DOGE looks a bit deeper.

As a compromise, the bureaucrat lifers can keep the stress balls. I get the feeling they’re going to need them over the next four years.

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