All The Things Joe Biden Shot Out Of The Sky This Past Week

Here is the opening satirical monologue to “Andrew Klavan Show.”

Biden’s administration announced that the U.S. Air Force had shot down a Chinese spy ball, an unidentified drone and an American Airlines flight from Chicago. A lawn chair that a man threw over his yard fence because his gay neighbor would not stop playing Chorus Line, and an alien craft from another galaxie or a plastic Skyrocopter that was fired from a toy gun by an 8-year old boy playing in his treehouse. The boy aged 8 claimed that the Air Force should pay him $9.95 for the skyrocopter.

General Slappy MacHappyFace, the Chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff briefed Congress about the military actions. He took time off to design the Army’s new line of sequined evening wears. These will be made available for any soldier who wants to identify as a woman and can enjoy a meal out with a strong but gentle older man. General McHappyFace informed congress. [quote] “Whoo-eee, we’re sure having fun now, aren’t we? We’ve blasted so much meaningless crap out of the sky that Montana looks like a parking lot after a flock of geese flies over it. If this doesn’t take people’s minds off that derailed train full of flaming poisoned gas that’s killing half of Ohio, well, by golly, I don’t know what will. Now excuse me, I have to get back to choreographing the Navy’s synchronized high kicks so they can perform the dance number in our new musical drag show extravaganza celebrating the upcoming Chinese conquest of Taiwan.” [unquote]

Biden Spokeswoman Karine Jean Identity Hire explained that the administration’s actions were due to either a collection oversized bowling pins painted with human faces on them or the White House press corps. It was hard to tell which. Miss Jean Identity Hire said. [quote] “Speaking as a lesbian woman of color, I would like, if possible, to string at least one comprehensible sentence together, in this case to explain that President Biden has not in any way changed his policy. Just as last week he allowed a Chinese spy balloon the size of a Greyhound station to traverse the entire continent taking photographs of every secret military installation we have, so this week he’s ordering the military to shoot down everything from a child’s kite to a leaf blowing in the wind. Thus our policy remains exactly what it was: namely frantically doing anything we can think of to distract the media from the fact that the people we’re poisoning in Ohio are the lucky ones, because they won’t live to see the results of the rest of our policies. We want to assure every American that we will continue to waffle between doing nothing and crazily firing missiles at random garbage until Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has fixed the poison train problem in Ohio by hiring more minority construction workers in Baltimore who will help stop climate change by not building anything.” [unquote]

Ohioans are mildly amused that intelligence officials made the downed Chinese spy satellite look like a huge dachshund. However, they continue to complain about Ohio’s poison train, which is killing half of the state. They want to evacuate the area but can’t afford to transport all the cows to the slaughterhouses due to the rising gas prices. One family that was a bit entrepreneurial tried to fly out of the region in a rented Cessna. However, they were stopped by Air Force pilots. These Air Force pilots took time from their Diversity Equity and Inclusion classes so that Americans wouldn’t be denied the chance to die due to government incompetence.

Secretary Buttigieg defended his inaction in Ohio, while pointing out that he doesn’t know anyone in Ohio. Buttigieg insists that he has done a better work than any other openly homosexual Transportation Secretary in American history, despite the fact that there have been many near misses with commercial airlines, supply side cockups as well as a derailment train full poisoned gas, which, did I mention, is wiping off half of Ohio.

Buttigieg took a break from his two-year paternity leaves to tell reporters. [quote], “This is what equity looks like. Just ask Karine Jean-Identity Hire, then explain her answer to me because I can never tell what that blithering idiot is talking about.”

Andrew Klavan The Andrew Klavan Show hosts at The Daily Wire. Klavan is a well-known political satirist, screenwriter for Hollywood and a novelist who has won numerous awards. Klavan’s newest novel is A strange habit of mind,