American voters demand higher quality candidates than those represented by a corpse and a mugshot.
Americans Divided on Presidential Race: Reruns, Pimples, and Hysteria
Recent polls reveal a fascinating divide among Americans regarding the upcoming presidential race. Surprisingly, only about 35% of the population wants to witness a rerun of the Biden vs. Trump showdown. Instead, a whopping 57% would prefer to relish in the nostalgia of Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon. Even more astonishing, 65% would rather endure the discomfort of an annoying lip pimple than witness another political spectacle.
The Smell of Decay and Hysterical Denials
Interestingly, approximately 80% of non-media individuals find a Biden candidacy inappropriate due to the alleged decay emanating from the president’s body. The putrid odor, combined with his eerie whispers of “Bidenomics is working,” distracts them from their squirrel-hunting endeavors. However, a contrasting 80% of media personnel claim to detect no foul smell whatsoever. They dismiss any corruption allegations against Biden as mere rotten meat in the refrigerator. According to them, everything is just fine.
Republicans and Democrats: Frowny Faces and Hysteria
Among Republicans who oppose a Trump candidacy, a staggering 70% attribute their disapproval to his perpetually gloomy expression, resembling a walking mugshot. Additionally, his alarming posts on Truth Social, advocating for the execution of his adversaries, have raised concerns about his seriousness. Let’s not forget the simple argument of “just look at him!”
On the other side of the aisle, 95% of Democrats opposing Trump engage in a frenzy, claiming that Hitler once owned transgender slaves in the American South before using fossil fuels to murder George Floyd. In their panic, they set off fire alarms, citing the urgent need to vomit due to the overwhelming racism caused by climate change. Republicans condemn their actions, while Democrats defend their hysteria.
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Yearning for Better Candidates, Denied by Chaos
Despite the unpopularity of a Trump-Biden rematch, alternative candidates struggle to gain traction. At the recent Republican debate, Nikki Haley resorted to scolding without reason, resembling an angry drunk aunt at Thanksgiving who can’t hear what anyone is saying. Vivek Ramaswamy delivered an impassioned speech, only to forget its content and disagree with himself. Meanwhile, Ron DeSantis excels in governing Florida, rendering himself unelectable.
Across the aisle, RFK Jr. announces his independent run, citing irreconcilable differences with the corrupt and authoritarian Democrat Party. He proudly declares his own insanity as a defining characteristic.
The Corpse vs. the Mugshot: A Repeat Performance
Unfortunately, regardless of the voters’ desires, it seems the upcoming race will once again pit the corpse against the mugshot. As you prepare to leave the country in frustration, don’t forget to set off the fire alarm.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
In what ways do Republicans and Democrats opposing Trump differ in their approach and strategies
//www.dailywire.com/ep-1151-bang-your-wife-and-save-the-country” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>The Andrew Klavan Show” where he discusses the latest political events and societal issues.
Conclusion
The divide among Americans in the upcoming presidential race is quite striking, with preferences ranging from reruns of popular cartoons to enduring uncomfortable lip pimples. The alleged decay emanating from President Biden’s body has led to widespread disapproval among non-media individuals, while media personnel deny any foul smell and corruption allegations. Republicans opposing a Trump candidacy focus on his perpetually gloomy expression and alarming posts on social media, while Democrats opposing Trump engage in a frenzy of hysteria and outlandish claims. Alternative candidates are struggling to gain traction, leaving the upcoming race to once again pit the corpse against the mugshot. As frustrations rise, it seems that some may be ready to leave the country or set off fire alarms in protest. With such divided opinions and lackluster candidates, it is clear that the upcoming presidential race will be a contentious one.
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