ANALYSIS: Biden’s Bloodthirsty, Floor-Pooping Canine Companion Is a Window Into His Soul

President Joe Biden’s dog Major was involved in yet another biting incident requiring medical attention. The notoriously unruly canine attacked a National Park Service employee just days after being returned to the White House. The dog had been forced to undergo training following a separate biting incident earlier this month.

Equally disturbing were reports of a wayward turd deposited on the hallway outside the White House Diplomatic Reception Room. The seemingly unending canine-related chaos has many voters wondering whether Biden is fit to serve as commander in chief.

As the saying goes: There are no bad dogs, only bad owners. But what if one of those bad owners happens to be the president of the United States? To answer that question, we enlisted the help of some of the top scientific experts in the country.

Americans are right to be concerned, said Colton Plowder, executive director of the Center for Behavioral Politics and Interspecies Relationship at Brown University. “Aggressive behavior in dogs tends to be very closely associated with authoritarian impulses in humans,” Plowder told the Washington Free Beacon. “There’s a connection there, certainly borne out by the data, which suggests an unprecedented threat to the fabric of our democracy.”

While most experts agreed with Plowder’s assessment, some offered an alternative explanation. “Studies show that dogs that lash out violently typically do so out of anxiety, most often in response to humans who exhibit symptoms of dementia or other cognitive ailments,” said Julietta Baginski, professor of advanced brain studies at Wrocław Medical University in Poland.

The pooping incident in particular raises difficult questions about Biden’s regard (or lack thereof) for the U.S. Constitution. “That’s a taxpayer-funded hallway,” said Rhys Bunting, president of the centrist think tank Middle Ground, Inc. “The pooping suggests an unacceptable lack of discipline in the White House, and that starts at the top.”

Some activists have already raised the prospect of invoking the 25th Amendment to remove Biden from office in an effort to prevent further injuries to government employees. “Joe Biden can’t even control his dog, but we expect him to stand up to Putin?” said Wick Rilson, cofounder of the Clinton Project, an anti-Biden super PAC. “Hunter Biden is more qualified to be president.”

History scholars were equally concerned. “Major Biden is a German shepherd, and we all know what other major historical figure loved German shepherds,” said Reginald Featherby-Townes, the historical justice editor of Teen Vogue. “When it comes to white supremacy in this country, we can’t just let sleeping dogs lie. Violence, excrement, these are the symptoms of a broken society.”

Experts on spiritual matters, meanwhile, voiced concerns about what Major’s behavior might imply about the contents of Biden’s soul. “When I look into Major’s eyes, I see an emptiness that thrives in the absence of a guiding light,” said Willow Brenner, author of 17 books on self-actualization. “Dogs are like humans. They aren’t born evil but are coerced into darkness, usually by an ambitious white man who may seem normal, but only because he is hiding his true self from the world.”

Woof.

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