Biden’s Document Scandal And Why The Penn Biden Center Is A Totally Secure Chinese Embassy

Here is the opening monologue of a satirical comedy. “The Andrew Klavan Show.” 

Journalists and others with suppurating boils on their buttocks are insisting that Biden’s classified document scandal (in which the vice president removed classified information to personal locations in an innocent frolic that could ever have happened to anyone) is totally different from Trump’s classified document scandal (in which Trump removed classified files to personal locations in violation the laws of God or man).

CNN: Christiane Imapoor Journalist turned directly to the camera to speak to her audience. [quote] “Listen, Mr. Soros, there is absolutely no similarity between the Biden case and the Trump case at all. Trump illegally stashed hundreds of classified documents at Mar-a-Lago, the sort of white supremacist luxury hotel where no BIPOC could possibly afford the price of even a simple lobster salad, which is totally racist, though the citrus vinaigrette dressing is, I admit, delicious. Biden, on the other hand, by pure accident, left nine or ten documents safely under lock and key at the Penn Biden Center for Global Engagement, a perfectly secure and respectable Chinese Communist front operation. And okay, there were also a few documents in his garage, some in his house, a harmless page or two in the apartment of Hunter Biden’s mistress, Fang Fang Jinping, and perhaps an idle scribble in the completely sealed pouch stuffed inside the hollow plastic stone that makes up part of the secret dead drop outside the Shanghai Spice restaurant, conveniently located across the street from the Chinese embassy, in case anyone there would like some kung pao chicken with his classified documents. What’s more, whereas Trump kept his heinous crime secret from anyone who didn’t happen to be looking at his social media feed, President Biden was completely transparent and immediately told the press absolutely everything as soon as the midterms were over and an anonymous source had already leaked the story to CBS. In fact, the President was so transparent, that even after he had told the press absolutely everything, he went on to tell them even more things when it turned out more documents had been found that he hadn’t told anyone about when he told them absolutely everything. The president has pledged he will continue to be transparent and tell even more things every single time it becomes impossible to avoid it.” [unquote]

Democrats and other journalists with suppurating boils on their buttocks also tried to quickly explain the differences.

Biden spokeswoman Karinejean-Identity-Hire stated that she was straight with reporters during a White House press event. [quote] “As White House Spokeswoman, let me speak plainly: The concatenation of internal rebar has obviously unfurled the dominant carrier of calidocious.” [unquote]

Miss Jean-Identity Hire pointed then behind the press corps, and shouted. “Look over there, Prince Harry is exposing his frozen penis to that enormous Lizzo woman.” The journalists then turned to see Miss Jean-Identity Hire, who ran quickly out of the door screaming Mandarin. “Start the engine, Fang Fang, here I come!”

On The View, a show that acts as a kind of marriage therapy by making husbands thank the Lord they’re not married to one of the women on the View, View Host and raven-voiced idiot Joy Behar said, [quote] “Look, we all know Donald Trump is a liar whereas Biden is as honest as any other award winning PhD who faced down Corn Pop before getting arrested for marching with Martin Luther King. So when Donald Trump takes classified documents, we know he’s up to no good, but when Biden takes classified documents, we can be absolutely certain we’ll soon be in a nuclear confrontation with Russia to pay the Ukrainians back for all the sweet graft they paid to Hunter, which is only fair, since Biden got ten percent.” [unquote]

Both scandals continue to unfold as the FBI agents who raided Mar-a-Lago to seize Trump’s papers at gunpoint go about filing those papers in the National Archives under T for Totally Unimportant. The agents swear they will also vet Biden’s papers very carefully as soon as they catch up with Fang Fang and get them back.

Andrew Klavan The host of The Andrew Klavan show on The Daily Wire. Klavan is a well-known political satirist, screenwriter for Hollywood and a novelist who has won numerous awards. You can order Klavan’s new novel now: A Strange Habit of MindBook 2 in the Cameron Winter Mystery Series is titled.

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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