Biff Diddle’s Top Predictions for 2023

Satire

Things aren’t as stupid now as they will get.

Biff Diddle • January 1, 2023 4:00 am

Everyone, happy new year!

If your 2022 was anything like mine, you’re still pretty embarrassed about the two rental cars you lost in Greater Reno, but also immensely grateful that authorities in many non-Western countries still accept bribes as an alternative to prison time or forced labor. I believe we are all ready for a fresh start, a clean slate.

No one can be sure what 2023 has in store for us, but believe me when I tell you things have not gotten as f—d up as they are going to get. These are my top predictions for 2019:

1) President Joe Biden is seriously injured in a fall. This most likely happened while attempting to do the Heisman pose with bowling shoes. He is admitted to emergency surgery and given general anesthesia for several hours. As per established precedent, Kamala Harris is elected Vice President “acting president” During that time. By the time Biden wakes up his entire cabinet has resigned, the stock market is down 40 percent, and Kamala’s stepdaughter Ella Emhoff has adorned the nuclear football in a garish crochet smock that is eventually sold at auction for $118,975.

2) After reporting false allegations of criminal conduct in relation to Gov., at least one major news publication or network has been forced to settle a defamation suit. Ron DeSantis (R., Fla.). Brian Stelter, former CNN host, invites Ron DeSantis (R., Fla.). Trustworthy Courses, which he hosts with Guy Fieri and Dan Rather at the Cheesecake Factory Elmhurst, Queens.

3) Mitt Romney has the best-looking beard ever and is the most searched term on Deepfake Porn Site Face Tube. The Twitter account @RomneyBeard has more than 800,000 followers. It was eventually banned from posting anti-Semitic messages.

4) Due to the recent World Cup, soccer is becoming more and more popular in the United States. Their liberal parents become increasingly irritated as more children sign up for soccer. “headers” Many school districts and rec leagues require the use of padded helmets because of potential brain injuries.

5) Taylor Lorenz has published a shocking report on how an influential group known as the “Obesity” was created.

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