Don’t Wing It: The Non-Fan’s Guide To Surviving A Super Bowl Party

If you’re a true football fan, pick another Daily Wire Story. This one’s for all the people who watch one game a year because skipping the Super Bowl is un-American, and they know Buffalo wings and beer are proof God loves us.

Your mission is to blend into the rabid family, friends and strangers who roar at television, spit on each other, and display a disturbing amount of passion while drinking sauces and beverages. Even if you believe otherwise, “touchdown” It is found at the end of a flight. “nickel back” refers to a Canadian band everyone makes fun of, you’ve got this.

Here are some ways to look and sound like you understand what’s happening.

If you are in a silence for a moment, take a deep breath and chew on your glasses’ earhooks. “field position.”Admire the player who is most impressed by something that everyone else does. “tremendous athleticism” Or the ability to “stay within himself.”If play stops, everyone walks closer to the TV. You will see a man with a black-and-white striped shirt looking puzzled. This is because they are reviewing a performance. When this happens, you can confidently say: “Remember fellas, it has to be conclusive.”If you notice that the game is getting closer, keep an eye out. “This is where clock management becomes so important.”

Even if Rihanna is your favorite, you should not be paying attention to the halftime show. Offer to go buy ice, or beer, or … anything. Halftime is only for non-fans. Any interest in it is an indication that you are a fraud. To be certain, you can make it a point of complaining about the length of it by saying something like “Can we get back to the game? I’m eager to see what halftime adjustments have been made.”

If someone asks you which team you support, you should answer Kansas City Chiefs. This answer is not always easy to give, but there are many reasons. For many years, the team’s home stadium had its own jail. To stop naked people climbing sign poles and causing injury after big games, the city greases them. Eagles fans will torch cars and cause chaos, even if they win. You’re not ready for that level of fandom.

Patrick Mahomes (l.) and Kansas City Coach Andy Reid (r.) are hoping to win their second Super Bowl together. (Getty Images)

There are many reasons to cheer for the Chiefs. Andy Reid, the Eagles’ coach, governed them for over a decade until he was fired and then resurfaced in Kansas City. He left the Eagles, who have won one Super Bowl. The Chiefs have also won one Super Bowl. This is a true grudge match. Reid is Wilford Brimley’s exact match, so you can’t root for Reid.

The Chief’s quarterback is Patrick MahomesHe is an extremely cool guy. He might have appeared in commercials for insurance, sunglasses, and other items. He does these endorsements to supplement his annual salary, which is $40 million. That’s the kind of industriousness we can all appreciate.

You can also root for the Chiefs, as they have always resisted calls to change them name from insufferable individuals who think it is somehow offensive. The Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins bent the knee to these people, who don’t even like sports. They believe any Native American lexicon usage is racist. Ironically, they are often called social justice “warriors.”

Stick to this plan and don’t overdo it, or they may invite you back to watch more games. These people are good for one Sunday per year. They are especially popular in Philly.

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