GUEST COLUMN: Eat My Brain Pudding, It’s Delicious

Satire

‘Joe Biden is not a question of fitness to serve as president’

Joseph R. Biden • September 22, 2022 4:59 am

Editor’s note: The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author, Joseph R. Biden, writing in his personal capacity as an American citizen and Scranton-born train enthusiast. They do not purport to reflect the opinions or views of the Washington Free Beacon or those of Joseph R. Biden in his official capacity as President of the United States. 

My fellow Americans,

I just did 29 push-ups. The real kind, no knees. Think you can beat that? Of course I’m not as young as I used to be. Back in those days we used to drive out to the colored, excuse me, the east side of Wilmington. I was the only honky lifeguard on duty and and the third-best power forward in the state of Delaware. We used to play in the projects, called the Bucket, I swear to God. There was a young punk named Shoelace who tried to boost my signet ring during a three-on-three, shirts and skins. I was always on the skins team, or I wouldn’t play. Let’s just say I gave him the full Irish. You shoulda seen the look on his face. It’s like my old man used to tell me.

Anyway.

I’m writing this to declare that my mental is focused. One hundred percent. I no more think of myself as being as old as I am than fly. Of course I respect the rights of the people—”We hold this truth, all men and women well endowed by their creator, equal”—to have their own opinions. People might say “You’re old” or “Joe Biden isn’t fit to be serve the presidents of United States.” Just watch me. Try to fight me. Go ahead. Your fat ass wouldn’t last a goddamn minute in the Bucket. My brain is the pudding, and that’s proof. Eat me and find out. Honest to God.

Barack and I, excuse me, Dr. Jill and her husband—that’s me—couldn’t be more proud of our 17