Here’s A Bag Full Of Dark Christmas Movies For Those Sick Of Seasonal Sweets

Christian TotoDecember 9, 2022

Every Christmas brings toys, treats, and a dozen (or more) sticky-sweet films.

You know the favorites by heart (like “Elf”), but every December delivers dozens of wannabe classics brimming with Christmas cheer. Think “Three Wise Men and a Baby,” “Santa Bootcamp,” and “Haul Out the Holly,” from this year’s haul alone.

For some, though, the movie parade can be a mite too merry. It’s why Hollywood’s counter-programming gurus give us darker tales to balance out the cinematic eggnog.

The 1984 classic “Gremlins” may have unofficially started this bleak Christmas tradition. Director Joe Dante’s romp follows Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates as they battle a town full of, well, gremlins.

The film is set during the holidays, and one scene pushed the boundaries of its PG rating.

Cates’s character recalls how her father tried to surprise the family one Christmas by sneaking down the chimney, Kringle style. Except he broke his neck during the descent and died. The family found out when they tried lighting the fireplace and smelled something odd.

The scene nearly got sliced by nervous Warner Bros. suits, but Dante insisted it matched the film’s creepy tone.

Consider that the grandaddy of all dark and gloomy holiday films. Here are the others:

“Fatman” (2020)

Mel Gibson, of all people, stars as Ol’ Saint Nick in this bleak, bloody thriller. Gibson’s character ‘Chris Cringle’ is burned out, but that’s not the worst of his problems. A disgruntled child can’t forget the lump of coal that greeted him one bitter Christmas morning.

So the lad hires a hitman (Walton Goggins) to take out the “fatman” once and for all. What follows is bleak, bloody, and not nearly as edgy as it wants to be.

It’s hardly Gibson’s fault, but he should have waited for a script rewrite before pulling on that famous red suit.

“Bad Santa” (2003)

It’s the ultimate black Christmas comedy, and it saves its sentimental side for the very end. Billy Bob Thornton stars as a department store Santa who uses the guise to rob department stores to his heart’s content.

His thievery hits a snag when he bonds with a wayward teen in desperate need of a father figure. Good luck, kid.

The film’s finale showcases the beating heart that was there all along, buried under vulgar language, out-of-wedlock sex, and other R-rated shenanigans. Few actors portray flawed souls you can’t help rooting for quite like Thornton, and the story’s redemptive arc proves surprisingly solid.

“Christmas Bloody Christmas” (2022)

The story: A military grade Santa Claus robot goes rogue, slicing and dicing its way through an unsuspecting town. It’s up to a record store owner and her hipster employee to stare down the robot threat before it can paint the town red … with blood.

This uber-low-budget affair offers little wit to lighten the seasonal bloodshed.

“Violent Night” (2022)

David Harbour of “Stranger Things” fame gets a crack at playing the big guy. His Santa is fed up with ungrateful kiddos, and he’s been around the block a time or two. One flashback shows him in a former life as a Viking warrior who has a way with a sledgehammer.

Why? To explain how Harbour’s Santa stands up to a team of mercenaries, led by John Leguizamo, hoping to steal a rich family’s fortune. The action is relentless, and so is the ultra-violence. The screenplay proves routinely witty, though, which leavens the mayhem.

What might surprise viewers is the subplot involving an ex-couple who may reunite before the final credits roll. Their child, delightfully played by young Leah Brady, gives this Santa hope for the future.

“Black Christmas” (1974, 2019)

Director Bob Clark directed 1983’s “A Christmas Story,” arguably the definitive movie for the season. Eleven years earlier, Clark uncorked “Black Christmas,” one of the first slasher films. A group of sorority sisters face a serial killer in their midst, and the body count quickly starts to rise.

The 2019 remake leaned heavily into woke, drawing the ire of even liberal film critics who roasted its faux feminist trappings.

“The Night Before” (2015)

This very stoner Christmas stars Seth Rogen, Anthony Mackie, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as three chums who spend each December searching for the best yuletide bash. That tradition is threatened by them aging out of their youthful shtick, but not before a final round of drinking, drugging, and other controlled substances.

The comedy is pure Rogen – R-rated high jinks with plenty of pot gags to wash it all down.

“Anna and the Apocalypse:” (2017)

You can never get too many zombie musicals set around the holidays. Anna (Ella Hunt) is in her final year of high school when an undead outbreak happens around the school’s Christmas pageant.

The usual mayhem occurs, from brain-chomping sequences to teen alliances gone awry. The big wrinkle? The engaging cast breaks into song now and then, bouncy numbers that make the horror tropes easy to digest.

“The Ice Harvest” (2005)

This Christmas alternative boasts a serious creative pedigree. It’s directed by