My Personal Adult Christmas Wishlist

Welcome to our Christmas⁤ Show!

Get ready⁢ for a ​festive ⁤gathering with my son and⁤ daughter, where ​we’ll dive deep into⁢ the true meaning of Christmas, ‍reminisce about Christmases ​past, ​and, of course, say the word ​”Christmas” as many times as ‍humanly possible. Why, you ask? Well,⁣ we’re hoping that by the end of this show, you’ll be so filled with holiday spirit that⁣ you’ll rush to buy our books, allowing us to kick back and enjoy the rest of the year in blissful relaxation.

Picture this: I’m ⁣sitting by a crackling fireplace, sipping on eggnog⁣ and indulging in delicious Christmas cookies. As I listen ‌to a‍ radio tuned to the ‍North Pole, I’m treated to the enchanting melodies of Santa’s elves playing ⁣their magical rendition of “My Grown-Up Christmas​ List.” You ⁢know, that song where ‍a woman visits Santa and asks for world peace and eternal justice. It’s quite‌ inspiring, really. It got me thinking, if songs like this‌ can dominate the⁤ airwaves every Christmas, ​then surely I could⁣ create a‍ hit by repeatedly smacking a squealing piglet with a ‌trash can lid. I mean, why not? It’s all about the Christmas spirit, right?

So, in my slightly inebriated state, I decided to compile my own grown-up Christmas list. And let me⁤ tell you, it’s a doozy.​ If I had the chance ‌to sit‌ on Santa’s ⁢knee without it becoming an internet sensation, I’d‌ ask him to make the world a‌ better place. How, you ask? Well, by installing ejector seats ​on commercial airlines. That way, any clueless individual blaring their iPad videos without headphones would be‍ swiftly launched through‌ the roof of the plane, hurtling through the sky at ⁢breakneck‍ speed. As‌ they plummet towards the ground, they’d have⁣ ample time to reflect on their mind-boggling rudeness and the​ consequences of their actions. It’s a Christmas miracle waiting to happen!

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But that’s not all. On my ​grown-up Christmas list, I have a few⁢ more wishes. I’d love for every braindead ⁢college student who supports the Palestinian monsters, every journalist who hypocritically cries about‍ the ⁣First Amendment while endorsing social media⁣ censorship, every public official who unjustly shuts down churches or forces unwanted injections on people, and every commentator ⁣who downplays the Biden family’s corruption to wake up to‍ a⁣ shocking⁤ reality. I wish ⁤they’d‌ find themselves unwittingly starring in the latest Democrat⁢ congressional gay porn video, alongside a rolled-up tube of Donald Trump’s Truth Social​ posts.‍ Now, I wouldn’t watch such a thing myself, but the hilarity ⁣of it ​all would surely bring me endless joy.

And lastly, on my grown-up Christmas ⁤list, I yearn for a Magic Christmas Explanation Fairy. This whimsical creature would travel from place to⁣ place, enlightening establishment Republicans ⁣in government ⁢and the media ‍about why people ⁤voted ​for Trump. She’d also have a heart-to-heart with Vivek Ramy-swamy, Nikki Haley-Whaley, ​and that forgettable chubby guy, informing them ⁤that their ⁢dreams of becoming the Republican nominee for president are nothing but a fantasy. They should pack up and let the people decide if ‍they want more Trump or someone with zero personality but actual competence. Oh, and she’d also have a word with the ​guy hurtling towards the earth‌ after being ejected from the plane. She’d explain that it’s equally rude and repulsive to have‌ phone conversations in public restrooms. He deserves to hit the ground twice ​for‍ his lack of manners.

So, that’s my grown-up Christmas list. Oh, and I still wish for ‌wars ⁢to never start, although ⁣I’m not entirely sure ⁣what that even means. It’s‍ just one of ​those silly songs, isn’t it?

What a ⁣ridiculous tune.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of ⁢Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him ‍on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is⁢ taken from the opening satirical monologue ​of “The Andrew‌ Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this ‍satirical article are those of the author and⁣ do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

How do the encounters with the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and⁤ future serve as a reminder of the importance of truth, justice, and⁣ moral integrity?

Their own version of “A Christmas Carol,” ⁤where they are​ visited by ⁤the ghosts of Christmas past,⁢ present, and future. These‍ encounters​ would serve as a stark reminder of the importance‌ of truth, justice, and ‍moral integrity. Perhaps then, they would reconsider their misguided beliefs and actions.

Now, you may be wondering how ⁣all ‍of this ties into our Christmas show. Well,‍ my son and daughter will be presenting a​ collection of heartwarming ‌stories‌ and songs that capture the​ essence ‌of Christmas. They have ⁤been‍ practicing tirelessly, perfecting their performances so that you, the⁢ audience, can experience the magic of the season. Through storytelling and music, they aim to spread⁣ joy, love,​ and the true meaning of Christmas.

In addition to their performances, ​we‍ will have a delightful surprise in store⁣ for⁢ you. We have ⁢invited a ⁤special guest appearance from a renowned storyteller who will transport us all to the‌ North ‍Pole with enchanting ‍tales of Santa ‌Claus and ⁢his merry little helpers. It will be a magical journey that will leave you beaming with nostalgia and childlike⁤ wonder.

So mark your ⁤calendars and don’t miss our Christmas show. It promises to be an evening filled with laughter, joy, and the true spirit of Christmas. Come join us ⁢as we celebrate this ​special time of year and create lasting memories. See you there!

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