Kurt Schlichter: My 2023 Predictions

Ah, the annual predictions piece, the conservative scribbler’s best friend and perennial go-to column, the easiest topic outside fake Indians, perverted presidents, and the gnarly predilections of creepy Never Trump weirdos.

Let me first review last year’s crappy performance in a. Stream of Kurtiousness video Here are my predictions. I predicted that the Dems would abandon COVID. They kinda walked away, but many sissy Dems yearn for public healthcare serfdom. I was partially right.

I suggested that voting be made more difficult for people who are stupid. This did not happen. The 2022 election saw a lot of stupid voters.

Putin would win Ukraine. I was right. The Ukrainians got some back. I predicted Xi would take Taiwan, and he hasn’t for reasons I cannot fathom. The communist scumbag has a golden opportunity, and he’s letting it go. I will give him credit for his evil deeds and reiterate my prediction below.

I had predicted that President Gumby would leave office in 2022. He did not. He didn’t. “an abortion.” It was perfect. Unfortunately, I predicted a red tide and that we would win.

I was right when I predicted that the border would open. “sort of close up.” Oops.

You garbage year of sucking, Adios 2022. Welcoming 2023, which will likely also be a year of garbage sucking.

I believe that Xi is going to take Taiwan. It’s mainly because I don’t see him passing on the strategy synergy that is Joe Biden + a woken, losing military + his own desire to draw attention from the myriad failures in communism.

I predict that Ukraine will become a slugging match. Even if the Russians have the combat power to take back the initiative in the spring they won’t be able to rule the entire country. Although the elite in Ukraine is a waste, the people of Ukraine are strong and will not give up. However, look for a breakdown of the blank check coalition within Congress. It is clear that the American people are tired of it, and it is rising up to Capitol Hill. Ukraine will still receive money, but there will real resistance.

A terrible recession will occur, which the regime media will refer to as a recovery. Your retirement income will drop and your property values will decline. The unemployment rate will rise. This will all be attributed to you.

The border will not be closed. Millions upon millions of illegal aliens/future Democrats, will be flooding in. The real problem will be revealed if you complain about it.

Popular culture will only recognize two of the ten Best Picture nominated films, and you won’t know any other. Hollywood will disappoint summer blockbuster audiences this year with the new Indiana Jones movie, starring an old, CGI-ensuited Harrison Ford. Cardi B will have the biggest hit with her autotuned opus, which is about the sin Of Onan, and she was the chanteuse behind the recent hit about erotic sexiness. 

In sports, I just don’t care.

Let’s talk politicians and presidents. Ronna McDaniel (0-5 electoral loser) will be elected as the GOP chair in January. The Republican Party will not accept this absurdity. According to my recent poll, the GOP base has mixed feelings about her – the 3.5% who support her are mixed with the 96.5%(!) who do not. Arizona Ronna would have been a strong candidate, but the Republican National Committee’s 168 members will ensure that the party does not commit ritual suicide. Here’s some gossip – committee members marked down as publicly supporting her are now privately saying they will abandon her on the secret ballot while others are ditching her publicly. To share your opinions, contact (politely), your three state committee members www.HireHarmeet.com!

Sorry, Mitch McConnell won’t be going anywhere. It’s sad – the 80-year-old tortoise will continue to publicly decline He’ll eventually have to be taken off-stage by his establishment friends when it becomes obvious that his time is over. Chuck Schumer will be able to run the Senate on his own. 

In spite of the insurgency that has been dragging on for far too long, Kevin McCarthy will become Speaker. I believe he will perform well, in large part due to the fact that he knows the base is furious at McCarthy and will go after the party in 2024 if it loses the small advantage they managed to gain in the 2022 midterm elections. The GOP’s investigations will reveal massive corruption and no one will care. Unfortunately, many people believe that morals, ethics and principles are still valid. I predict that many of us will understand that raw power is what is most important in 2023.

People who ignored the Tet Offensive’s faux Cherokee and the hero of it all, and spent decades rhapsodizing about the man who drove a girl into a pond and then left her to drown, will continue to whine year after year about George Santos. The rest of us will, too. “Oh well I never!” Fredocon crowd. McCarthy who listens to them will fail the test.

Now, on to the presidency. Joe Biden is a degenerate old pervert, and he’s stupid enough to run. Although I didn’t think he would, people like Ronna McDaniel, Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump, among others, botched the midterm. Grandpa Badfinger used that to give a collective high-five for what is objectively the worst presidency since at least a century. Kackling Kamala will be running again. However, I believe there is a good chance that this senile pervert might be caught wandering nude through the Rose Garden. KJP will call it bravery in the fight against Vitamin D deficiency, which ultra-MAGA insurrectionists helped to create.

Gavin Newsom might decide to run for the presidency and replace the stale incumbent. He will run on his controversial platform of making California the largest state in America. California news: The rest of my conservative friends are moving away.

There will be no Ron or Don Republicans in the race. This will cause widespread ennui. Mike Pompeo will run, and his small splash will not be due to his remarkable weight loss. Youngkin may also run, and he might do well than others. I am expecting the absurd Larry Hogan, and even more ridiculous Asa Utchinson to enter. I hope Liz Cheney will, too. I love seeing her humiliated. But that will be in conflict with her future career as a Morning Joe panelist. Amanda Carpenter and Michael Steel would be the best choices. I expect that the newly-unemployed Adam Kinzinger’s new podcast, “Boys Do Cry,” You will be heard by literally hundreds of people.

I expect Ron DeSantis will continue to be America’s best governor and, in the fall, jump into the 2024 race, immediately topping the polls. Trump will not quit before he loses in New Hampshire or Iowa (assuming that he is), unless, of course, he’s indicted. “Indicted for what?” You might wonder, but I’ll answer you by pointing out that raw power is the only thing that really matters. If he attempts to kill DeSantis I believe he will discover that 2016 is no longer the case and that this Florida governor does not represent Jeb! The electorate is not willing to take a chance on something many consider a sure thing. 

It being Donald Trump, I don’t know how it will turn out. These predictions will probably be wrong. I won’t try to predict Donald Trump.

Follow Kurt on twitter @KurtSchlichter. Get InfernoThe seventh book in the Kelly Turnbull series, titled. People’s Republic A series of conservative action novels that are set in America after a hypothetical national divorce. We’ll Be Back: The Fall and Rise of America.

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