Confused movie execs fail to grasp movie flops.
Disney Executives Puzzled Over Box Office Flop
Executives at Disney are scratching their heads over the failure of their latest big-budget franchise film. “Girl-Boss Marvels Two: This Time, We’re in Your Face, Penis Man” starring the talented Shrilly Crowcall, along with a black girl and a Hispanic girl, has left everyone baffled. The movie, made at a cost of over $200 million, had an opening weekend that resembled a disaster, earning a mere seventeen dollars and 35 cents. To add insult to injury, the studio had to collect and redeem soda cans thrown at the screen by disgruntled viewers. Until Disney figures out what went wrong, they have decided to halt the release of other Marvel pictures featuring new superheroes like Captain Groomer and Ironpants.
Beloved Cartoon Remake Faces Setback
Even the highly anticipated live-action remake of a beloved cartoon classic, “Snow Brown and The Seven Ambiguously Handicapped and Excluded Persons of Color,” has hit a snag. The star, Rachel Harridan, gave a promotional interview that didn’t sit well with the studio. Miss Harridan boldly declared that the film wasn’t for those who appreciate traditional fairy tales or find singing dwarves charming. Studio PR executives are now questioning whether they should have adjusted the message to appeal to a wider audience.
Disney’s Confusion Continues
In an interview with Show Biz Trade Paper Variety, Melissa WingWang, formerly known as a male Disney Studio Head, expressed bewilderment over the lack of success. Melissa, who now identifies with pronouns like Zee, Zur, Splorg, and Would you like to see my puppy little boy, stated that Disney has done everything to transform their brand into a tool for promoting alternative lifestyles, but audiences still aren’t responding. Melissa hopes that a Thanksgiving release of a live-action Sleeping Beauty performed entirely in drag will turn things around.
Other Companies Face Similar Mysteries
Disney isn’t the only company facing perplexing rejections. Anheuser Busch is struggling to understand why their Bud Light Brand has taken a nosedive in the market. They are now attempting a comeback with a new slogan, “Bud, the uncloseted queen of beers.” Gillette is also reevaluating their approach, planning to target a small but vocal group of sexually diverse individuals with their new slogan, “Gillette, the sleekest, shapeliest legs a man can get.”
Despite the confusion surrounding these setbacks, one anonymous observer believes that these companies are on the right track and will eventually reap billions in profits. However, the observer quickly added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work. After all, I am the god-king.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “When Christmas Comes,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available! Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
What is the fine line between inclusivity and pandering to specific demographics that Disney’s marketing department recognized?
Wn as Melissa KingTong, the head of Disney’s marketing department, expressed her confusion and frustration over these recent box office failures. “We thought we had a winning formula with these films,” she said. “We had diversity, strong female leads, and tried to incorporate modern sensibilities into our storytelling. But it seems like audiences just aren’t responding.”
WingWang pointed out that Disney had been successful in recent years with films like ”Black Panther” and “Captain Marvel,” which featured diverse casts and broke box office records. However, she acknowledged that not every film can replicate that level of success.
“There’s definitely a fine line between trying to be inclusive and pandering to specific demographics,” WingWang admitted. “We want our films to resonate with as many people as possible, but we also don’t want to sacrifice artistic integrity just to please everyone.”
Some industry insiders have speculated that Disney may have overestimated the demand for these types of films, or that other factors, such as competition from streaming services or franchise fatigue, could be to blame.
In response to these setbacks, Disney has announced that they will be reevaluating their future film projects. “We are going to take a step back and reassess our approach,” said WingWang. “We want to ensure that we are creating films that not only entertain, but also have broad appeal.”
Despite these recent disappointments, Disney remains one of the most successful and influential entertainment companies in the world. With a rich library of beloved characters and stories, the company is sure to bounce back from this temporary setback.
“We have a long history of creating magic on the big screen, and we intend to continue doing so,” said WingWang. “We may stumble along the way, but we will always strive to deliver storytelling that captivates and inspires audiences around the world.”
Only time will tell how Disney will adapt and recover from these box office flops, but one thing is for certain – their commitment to entertaining audiences will never waver.
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