Forecasts and recommendations for initial GOP primary debate.

What ​we expect and hope to see when the GOP candidates (minus Trump) meet in Milwaukee

What’s happening: The first debate of⁢ the 2024 GOP presidential primary takes⁤ place ‌on ⁣Wednesday night in Milwaukee. Fox News, the top-rated ⁤fair and balanced network,⁤ is hosting the contest.

What ⁤to watch for: ‍Donald Trump. The indicted former president has⁣ decided to‍ skip ⁣the ⁢debate, but remains the prohibitive frontrunner to win the​ Republican nomination. The other candidates⁤ will have to persuade voters that the outcome isn’t a foregone conclusion.

Predictions: Here are a few ⁢things we expect to see at the debate.

• At‌ least ⁤one candidate, ‍probably​ Vivek​ Ramaswamy, will cite (or‍ sing) “Rich ⁣Men North of Richmond,”⁣ the hit song from ⁣viral sensation⁢ Oliver Anthony, and‍ agree ⁣that ⁤”taxes ought not to pay” for fat folks’ fudge rounds.
• Sen. Tim Scott (R., ​S.C.) will suggest that ‍America⁣ is ​not the ⁣ most racist⁣ country ⁤ in the history of the world. This will cause liberal commentators to lose their minds, resulting in at least one semi-prominent media personality being suspended or forced ​to apologize for a racially ⁣charged ⁤insult.
• Several candidates will criticize Vice President Kamala Harris, prompting Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin to‌ complain on the social networking website formerly known as Twitter. Her post-debate⁢ column will scold Republicans ‍for their⁣ “racist and misogynist attacks.”
• Gov. ⁤Ron DeSantis (R., Fla.) and former⁣ governor Chris Christie⁣ (R., ​N.J.) will get​ into ‌a ‍shouting ⁣match over which ⁤candidate‍ has eaten the most ‌chocolate pudding and who has⁤ eaten pudding in the most unusual fashion.
• Daniel Dale will perform a breathless post-debate fact check on CNN and assert (without evidence) that “Joe Biden does not have dementia.”
• Mike Pence, the former vice president, will‌ become the first candidate in history to be collectively booed by members ⁣of the debate audience, his fellow candidates on the debate, as​ well as the debate moderators.
• Neither the candidates⁢ nor the moderators will mention‍ the suspicious ⁣death of former president Barack Obama’s personal chef, or the ‍(possibly⁤ related?) revelations that Obama repeatedly fantasized about “making love to ⁤men.” The American people deserve better.
• Trump will win the debate.

Suggestions: Here are a few ‌things we would‍ like to see at the debate.

• Wouldn’t it be nice if⁢ all ‌the⁣ candidates could agree on something? For example, ‍they could ​begin each answer by denouncing Hillary Clinton‌ as a‍ force of evil⁢ whose‌ defeat in the‌ 2016 ⁢election was one of the best ​things ⁢to ever happen to this great country.
• On a related note,⁤ August 10 was the fourth anniversary of notorious ‌pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s “suicide” in a‍ Manhattan jail cell. The Fox⁢ News moderators should⁣ begin the debate with a “moment​ of silence for⁤ the truth and ‍other victims‌ of the ‌Democratic sex-trafficking ring.”
• We⁢ hope the candidates ⁢get creative when selecting a special guest to ⁤join⁢ them at the‍ debate. Good⁣ options include the four-year-old⁢ granddaughter Joe Biden refused to acknowledge until recently, or the crack dealer who put a‌ gun to Hunter Biden’s‌ head⁢ in Los​ Angeles.​ A particularly savvy debater might⁢ fill an ​entire ⁤row with ⁤all the ‍children whose hair ⁢Joe Biden has ‌sniffed without consent.