Tastes Like Chicken? Fake Meat Exec Bites Man’s Nose

An executive at a fake meat company was arrested this weekend for biting the flesh off another man’s nose during a fit of rage, the latest indication that veganism could contribute to mental decline.

Beyond Meat COO Doug Ramsey was charged on Saturday with terroristic threatening and third-degree battery following a road rage incident at the University of Arkansas football stadium. Ramsey attacked a Subaru driver whose vehicle brushed Ramsey’s Ford Bronco in a parking garage after the Arkansas Razorbacks game. Local news outlets report Ramsey punched through the Subaru’s rear window and repeatedly hit the Subaru driver before “ripping the flesh on the tip of the nose” with his own teeth.

The Subaru driver claimed Ramsey threatened to kill him after noshing on his schnoz. Police arrested Ramsey a little before 10:30 p.m., and he was held in Washington County jail on a $10,000 bond. It is unclear whether the driver of the Subaru, owned in the United States predominantly by hippies, was a grass-fed vegetarian.

Ramsey joined Beyond Meat in December after a three-decade stint at Arkansas-based Tyson Foods, where he oversaw the poultry giant’s partnership with McDonald’s. Beyond Meat’s stock has plunged nearly 80 percent since Ramsey was hired, a sign that normal Americans are rightfully terrified of the meatless future liberals want.

The “Beyond Burger” manufacturer was an odd landing place for the nugget-slinging, Bronco-owning Ramsey, who fits the profile of a typical meat-eater. A Free Beacon analysis was unable to determine whether Ramsey’s attack was the result of a psychotic break brought on by protein deprivation, the chemicals in vegan meat, or prolonged exposure to progressives.

Plant-based products have grown popular among liberals who believe meat is bad for the environment. But the lackluster taste of the wares—including chicken strips the New York Times described as “bland, unexciting and not very chicken-like”—have led some of these militant herbivores to suggest we eat bugs.

Beyond Meat announced Tuesday afternoon it had suspended Ramsey, who is scheduled to appear in Fayetteville District Court on October 19. Ramsey is expected to dodge charges of cannibalism for his sampling

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