The Real Reason Silicon Valley Bank Failed

The following is the opening satirical monologue. “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Many of you may be confused as to why Silicon Valley Bank failed. You’re in the right place, because this podcast is political commentary. I won’t stop you from understanding this topic.

First, you need to know that Democrats believe in socialism. Socialism is an economic system where powerful people help the poor through taking money out of the middle class and giving it the rich. The rich will have more power to help them by taking money out of the middle classes to give to them.

Silicon Valley Bank is an example of a powerful Democratic party that needed more money to give the rich to gain more power to help the weak. So they printed worthless paper and called it “Silicon Valley Bank”. “dollars” The rich gave them to those in need, and they passed them on the the wealthy for Hulu subscriptions or lawn chairs. The rich replied, “Hooray! Now we have worthless dollar papers! We will put them in bonds and useless green nonsense businesses where they will magically turn into money.” They also donated millions of dollars to Gay Pride. The millions were used to purchase rainbow-colored pencils as well as a vacation for 12 people in Thailand.

Then came inflation. “transitory,” That means it’s permanent.

People panicked at this point and the bank ran like the movie. “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Actually, it’s exactly the same as in “It’s A Wonderful Life,” The bank manager appeared to panicked customers and stated that you couldn’t have any money because your money was in the wrong place. The bank manager then gave everyone an unrestricted rainbow pencil.

In a hurry to calm the public, President and Venal Plant Joe Biden shuffled slowly up to a podium. With his eyes closed and his mouth open, he spoke slowly and said that everything would be fine because he would give all the rich back their taxes that were taken from the middle classes because that’s socialist socialism. Biden explained that Donald Trump was responsible for the bank failure because he was such a bad president, that everything Biden touches becomes crap. Biden slowly walked out of the room without anyone being able to ask questions. He was worried that questions could ruin the soothing effect of his speech with his mouth open.

The White House issued a statement that stated, [quote] “The president’s bailout of the Silicon Valley bank is not a bank bailout, and this is not a statement issued by the White House.” [unquote] The New York Times was a former newspaper and immediately hailed this statement as a brilliant piece post-modern literature. The White House celebrated by releasing bright red balloons that carried a speaker above Pennsylvania Avenue, repeatedly saying, “It’s all Trump’s fault,” It was a helium balloon, and the celebration had grown out of control.

The Silicon Valley Bank’s board was diverse, which is a positive aspect. Some of the board members had made huge donations to Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Nancy Pelosi. Unfortunately, none had ever been on a board, with the exception of one member who was on a Ouija Board. It did spell out the words. “You are about to get a big surprise. Your bank is out of money.”

Many journalists have said that bailing out the bank following its stupid actions could result in a positive outcome. [quote-unquote] “moral hazard.” You might have even asked yourself this question. “What’s a moral hazard and why don’t journalists’ heads burst into flame when they say the word moral — that would be both funny and appropriate?” A moral hazard occurs when wealthy people do stupid things and lose their money. The government then gives you your money so the rich can dance around the room and say. “Hooray! Now we can do more stupid things forever and nothing bad will ever happen to us because there’s a moral hazard so we get everybody’s money.” In essence, a moral hazard can be described as the same thing that socialism.

You’re probably asking yourself these questions now that I have explained the banking crisis. “Will this affect me personally or can I just go back to watching porn?” It depends. You can only watch it online if it is porn that requires an online subscription. Banks around the world are now in collapse because Donald Trump was so bad a president, Joe Biden has destroyed everything.

However, here’s a free rainbow pen.

Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. Klavan is a well-known political satirist, screenwriter in Hollywood and a novelist who has won numerous awards. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.

The Daily Wire does not endorse the views expressed in this satirical column.

“From The Real Reason Silicon Valley Bank failed“

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