Unveiling The Taxicab Theory

The taxicab theory is not new to the realm of relationship theories, but it is one that has resurfaced in popularity. Since one of my favorite things to do is break down theories that pop off and circulate on TikTok, this one caught my attention recently. These theories often look ridiculous because they’ve been given silly names, but there is usually some truth to them — which is why they’re worth examining.

The taxicab theory attempts to answer questions like: How do men choose who they want to marry? When do men make that decision? What can women do?

The theory originated years ago on HBO’s “Sex and the City,” and it’s now made its way to TikTok. The idea is that a taxicab on the road is comparable to a man in the dating pool: If the taxicab light is off, the driver is not looking to pick up any riders, but once the taxi turns its light on, the driver will pick up the first person they see. Similarly, if a man is not ready to date, he will not commit; but once he’s ready to settle down, he will commit to the first woman who comes across his path. This TikToker gives a succinct explanation of the theory:

@tracy_sokat

Replying to @haleyyloftuss 🚕 🩷 #taxicabtheory #dating #datingadvice

♬ original sound – Tracy Sokat

Her final words of advice — “Put your damn arm down and stop trying to hail a cab and stop trying to hail a cab that has its light off” — are good ones. Basically, this theory says that no matter how hard you try to convince or how much you beg a man to see that you would be a good wife, a man who is not ready to settle down, won’t settle down. The taxi’s light is off. He is not looking to pick up a passenger. He is on his way elsewhere. He’s clocked out for lunch.

If, however, the taxi driver does pick you up when the light is off, you run the risk of being given a “shut up ring” later on down the road. But when the light on the taxi turns on, the theory says the man will marry the next woman who crosses his path. The theory as a whole is interesting, and there is some truth to it. One person on X tweeted about a guy her friend married who she met on Hinge, and someone else quote tweeted it to be an excellent example of the taxicab theory:

Of course, this has caused absolute mayhem on the internet. Women have started freaking out, wondering if their husband even loves them, asking themselves, “Was I the ideal woman or just the available one?” Another person on X said it shouldn’t take a man half a decade or more to figure out if the girl he’s dating is the one he wants to marry, to which someone else quote tweeted their response to the taxicab theory:

No sanity should be lost over this. Part of the problem with this theory is the people who want to use it to point fingers at men and make them out to be misogynists who just toy with women. And I don’t think that is the case. Ultimately, it is both parties’ responsibility not to waste each other’s time and respect what the other person wants out of the relationship. So, a man who is not ready for marriage should not hang onto a girl who desperately wants to get married. That is cruel. And it shouldn’t take five to six years to decide if you’re dating the girl you want to end up with.

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The underlying message to the taxicab theory is that timing is paramount, but generally, I think this breakdown is a bit too simple. This theory says that once a man decides the time is right, he’ll just pick up the next girl that comes across his path. But there is more to it than that.

A couple guys replied on TikTok making this point:

These are important perspectives to mention. I think that when a man is ready for marriage, he will be even more careful with who he chooses to date. He will be pickier because he will seek out women who he believes he can build a life with, which will hopefully make the process easier and faster. Without these perspectives, the taxicab theory just seems a little too simple and doesn’t give guys enough credit.

But for men, successful relationships aren’t solely based on timing. There are cases when love changes everything,

where a man meets a woman and instantly wakes up and knows he’s ready. He becomes willing to make the relationship happen because of the woman. One guy on X commented saying that men will be with who they truly want to be with. (This is the whole “if he wanted to, he would” thing.)

That said, there is a different timing component to this theory. Men do not have the same urgency that women intrinsically feel because women are on a biological time clock. Even if a woman has just the faintest inkling of a desire to have children, she should be intentional about working toward marriage. As women, we have a small window of time in our lives when that is possible, whereas men are designed to sow seeds their entire life if they want to. Because of this, a man may not want to settle down at the same time the woman they are dating does. But the pressure is more intense for women, both biological pressure and just the pressure we put on ourselves.

If you are dating a man who is not ready to propose, you are dating a man who is not ready to be married. Maybe he loves you. Maybe he doesn’t love you enough. Maybe he doesn’t think you’re the one. Who knows. Whatever the reason, the fact of the matter is that he’s just not ready. But it will not matter how much you try to convince him or force his hand, and he may still not be ready five or six years down the road. That will only lead to resentment.

This is empowering information that can equip you in your dating life. As a woman, if marriage is something you want, this is when you cut loose and leave because there will be another taxicab who could have his light on. Or maybe the same taxi will come back around when he is ready, when he realizes what he’s lost, and he will have his light on. But there are other opportunities, you shouldn’t waste precious years with someone who is not in a taxi that is ready to pick you up while you let other perfectly wonderful taxis pass you by.

The takeaway here is that there is not one perfect theory or formula for relationships or dating. The best step to take is to focus on mutual respect for each other and alignment on your values and timeline. That requires hard conversations and self-awareness. But when you are dating, you need to figure out if your significant other is on the same page and if their taxi light is even on. You also need to make sure they are reciprocating the time, energy, and love that you are putting into the relationship as well.

We are often blinded by infatuation and fear; instead, be confident and brave. Date with intention because it will save you time and heartache in the end.

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