These Alternate Chinese Movie Endings Will Blow Your Mind

Chinese communists love censorship and propaganda as much as Joe Biden loves eating ice cream and berating journalists. Most recently, we learned that the ChiComs changed the ending to Fight Club, the 1999 cult classic starring Brad Pitt and Edward Norton.

The film is supposed to end with the protagonist (Norton) shooting himself in the head and killing his alter ego, Tyler Durden (Pitt), but not in time to thwart Durden’s anarchist plot to bomb the headquarters of major credit card companies. The protagonist embraces girlfriend Marla as the bombs go off and the buildings collapse to the tune of “Where Is My Mind?” by Pixies.

The latest Chinese version of the film, as it appears on the streaming website Tencent Video, has a different ending. The screen fades to black before the explosions begin, and the following text appears on screen:

Through the clue provided by Tyler, the police rapidly figured out the whole plan and arrested all criminals, successfully preventing the bomb from exploding. After the trial, Tyler was sent to lunatic asylum receiving psychological treatment. He was discharged from the hospital in 2012.

It’s a bit less dramatic than the original version, as is the Chinese alternate ending for Lord of War, which stars Nicolas Cage as an international arms trafficker. The actual version ends with Yuri Orlov (Cage) evading punishment and returning to arms dealing. In the much shorter Chinese version, Orlov “confessed all the crimes officially charged against him in court, and was sentenced to life imprisonment in the end.” The government always wins.

Although these particular changes appear to have initiated in China, the groveling simps who run Hollywood have a long history of preemptively censoring U.S. films to placate Chinese audiences. Disney, which owns the production company that made Fight Club, even filmed parts of its 2020 box office hit Mulan in Xinjiang province, where the Chinese government runs concentration camps and commits untold atrocities against the Uyghur Muslim population.

Your mind will be blown when you find out how the endings to some of your favorite Hollywood films have been altered to appease the Chinese communist regime.

The Hunt for Red October 

Captain Marko Ramius was detained by undercover secret agents in charge of monitoring suspected traitors. Red October returned to Russian Shipyard Number 10 in Polyarny, Murmansk Oblast, where Ramius was charged with treason, as well as the murder of Commissar Ivan Putin. Following a swift trial in which Ramius confessed his crimes and begged forgiveness, he was shot in the head six times and buried in an unmarked grave. His family was never heard from again.

Gladiator 

The Praetorian Guard surrounded fallen emperor Commodus, saving him from certain death at the hands of his treasonous slave. The crowd cheered as Maximus was slaughtered and dismembered with his fellow gladiators. Their bodies were reassembled, crucified, and displayed at Roman Forum as a warning to common citizens. On the emperor’s orders, the bodies of Maximus’s dead wife and son were exhumed and re-executed.

The Patriot 

The traitor Benjamin Martin was apprehend by British forces and sentenced to 12 years hard labor at Port Royal Center for Patriotic Education, where he learned to embrace the “One Britain” principle. His final words before his death from dysentery in 1785 — “America is part of Britain; God save the king!” — would echo through eternity.

Star Wars: Episode VI — Return of the Jedi  

Following their arrest for incest, among other charges, Luke and Leia were subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques, providing crucial intelligence. Imperial Forces launched a preemptive strike against the Ewoks, killing most of the furry terrorists. Survivors were relocated to education camps on Zeitooine Autonomous Planet. The Death Star destroyed what was left of the Rebel Fleet, and order was restored to the galaxy.

All the President’s Men 

The filthy journalists Woodward and Bernstein were arrested and charged with spreading false information, disrupting social order, and fomenting insurrection against the government. They admitted their lies in court and were executed by firing squad in front of their families. Richard Nixon continued to serve as president until his death in 1994.

It’s a Wonderful Life

At the request of Henry Potter, an influential member of the ruling political party, George Bailey was arrested for financial fraud, corruption, and disrupting social stability through unlawful religious activities. He confessed all crimes in court and was sentenced to 18 years in prison. His uncle Billy was committed to lunatic asylum, his wife Mary assigned to military “comfort station,” and his four children died honorably years later in coal mine collapse.

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