When M&Ms Go Woke, You Know The End Is Near

The following is the opening satirical monologue. “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

Many of you are deeply concerned about the political ramifications of M&M’s, if you’re fat and toothless and have literally not one other thing to think about. After receiving a petition from one person, Mars Candy Company changed the appearance of its advertising spokes-candies in an effort to placate woke sensibilities. He stated that while he wasn’t usually offended by the hard outer shell, but he felt like he was melting inside his mouth and the old spokes candies made it seem like he was. What he was doing in your mouth, I don’t want to know.

In the good old days, when men were men and women were small chocolate globules with an occasional peanut inside, M&M’s were represented in advertisements by lovable anthropomorphic M&M’s who made us smile and chuckle right up until the moment we devoured them, giving us the forbidden thrill of cannibalism along with cavities and a mid-section that looked like an inner tube. Then, the Mars Candy Company started changing the look of the M&M characters to give them — and I cannot emphasize enough that I am not making this quote up but reading it word for word off the press announcement — they wanted to give the talking candies [quote] “more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling.” [unquote] 

This was widely regarded as the best marketing decision since the introduction of New Coke in April 1985, between 9:00 a.m. to 10:17 a.m. When the brand was discontinued, it was considered the worst marketing decision before the M&M spokescandies.

M&M made the female M&M more feminine and less sexy by shortening her legs, replacing her high heels and sneakers with sneakers. This was to end the 12-year-old boys’ sexual fantasies. Mars also released a new M&M in lavender for females. “acceptance,” because she was trans and identified as a Reese’s piece. This was in addition to a tweet showing the brown M&M (also a male) holding hands with the green M&M female M&M. A caption indicated that they were lesbian lovers. It also restored the sick fantasies all 12-year-old fetishists who were interested in lesbian love scenes between chocolate pieces. As a result of the lesbian M&M affair, Catholic priests have banned the candies from taking communion, except for Pope Francis who says all M&M’s are welcome, especially when he gets the munchies after grooving on reefer.

Both the right- and left-leaning parties eventually attacked the M&M change. On his Fox News show, Tucker Carlson said he was absolutely appalled that there could be a news day so incredibly slow he would wind up talking about M&M’s. Feminists meanwhile wanted to know why a feminist M&M couldn’t be sexy and so they had to have it explained to them.

The nation was left watching something else while it was furious. Mars finally decided that the M&M spokes candies were no good and drove them into the woods to let them smoke, then followed up with a mow down using a machine gun. Although maybe that was a scene from the Great Escape, I’m not sure. In any case, the slaughtered M&M’s have now been replaced by actress Maya Rudolph which has ended the controversy because Right and Left can all agree she’s overrated as an actress and should probably just be, like, a spokeswoman for the idiots who make M&M’s.

Now, of course, I wouldn’t be telling this ridiculous story about how wokeism ruins every single thing that ever gave anyone anywhere any fun whatsoever and replaces spontaneous pleasures of even the smallest type with joyless virtue signaling that does jack-diddley-squat to lessen the divisions amongst us but only exacerbates the thoroughly reasonable annoyance we feel with having supercilious moral posturing shoved down our throats like a fistful of M&M’s except without the calories and the tooth-rotting sugar … 

Now I can’t remember where that sentence was going. Oh yeah, I wouldn’t be telling this story if it didn’t have a serious moral. Yes, I would. Actually, I did. Forget what I said.

Andrew Klavan The Andrew Klavan Show hosts at The Daily Wire. Klavan, a popular political satirist who is also a screenwriter in Hollywood, is also an award-winning novelist. His latest novel is A strange habit of mindThe Cameron Winter Mystery book 2 is now available.

These views, which are satirical in nature, are the author’s and may not be representative of those of others.

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