White House Launches New Department for President’s Well-being
The President is Fine: A Satirical Take on White House News
The White House Press Office has recently unveiled a brand new department called “The Department of The President is Fine.” This groundbreaking announcement was featured on the front page of the New York Times, in an article titled “The President is Fine.” According to the report, this department’s main objective is to convince the public that the president is perfectly fine, despite clear evidence to the contrary.
The need for this department became apparent when the president failed to attend the September 11th memorial at Ground Zero. His excuse? He couldn’t remember the date of September 11th. Instead, he found himself in Hanoi, where he went on a nonsensical rant about a phrase from a John Wayne movie. The Department of The President is Fine quickly issued a statement clarifying that the president had actually intended to ramble about a different movie altogether. So, rest assured, the president is fine.
“The President is fine,
The President is fine,
They say that he’s demented,
But the charges are invented,
His condition is benign.
And though this exit is abrupt,
That doesn’t mean that he’s corrupt.
The President is Fine.”
After his eventful time in Hanoi, the president made his way to Alaska, where he decided to commemorate September 11th by giving the Iranian Islamist Terrorist government a whopping $6 billion in ransom for kidnapped Americans. The Department of The President is Fine clarified that this payment was not meant to honor the victims of the 9/11 attacks, but rather to mark the president’s surrender to Islamist Terrorists in Afghanistan. Apparently, the president confused Hanoi with Kabul, an easy mistake to make, so everything is fine.
In response to the establishment of the Department of The President is Fine, major news outlets such as NBC, ABC, CBS News, CNN, and the Washington Post have decided to create a joint Bureau of the President is Fine. Their mission? To cover the fact that the president is indeed fine. The Washington Post even claims that they already have a reporter for this bureau, Philip Bump, who apparently appeared in a 1952 Tyrone Power movie starring John Wayne. Quite the coincidence, according to the Bureau of the President is Fine.
This news media bureau will work closely with the White House Department of The President is Fine to report on the impeachment inquiry launched by House Republicans. Despite the president’s obvious state of being fine, these Republicans seem determined to find evidence of corruption. However, both the news media and the White House department assure us that there is no shred of evidence to support these claims. So, it’s all fine, or maybe it’s the White House. It’s easy to get confused these days.
About the Author
Andrew Klavan, the author of this satirical piece, is a renowned novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. He hosts ”The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire and has written several best-selling novels. His latest book, “The House of Love and Death,” will be released on October 31, 2023. Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan.
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
How does the Department of The President is Fine explain the president’s accidental granting of power of attorney to a Thanksgiving turkey and what does it mean for animal rights
Ims that this was a strategic move to bring the Americans back home, and that the president’s decision was in no way influenced by his lack of knowledge about the significance of September 11th. The president is fine, folks, he’s just making unconventional decisions in the name of diplomacy.
In another incident that raised eyebrows, the president engaged in a Twitter feud with a famous rapper, ignoring important matters of state to exchange insults. However, fear not, as the Department of The President is Fine assures us that this is simply a new form of diplomacy, a modern way of resolving conflicts that the older generation may not understand. So rest assured, the president is fine, and Twitter wars are the new norm.
One of the most amusing moments from the President’s recent activities was his attempt to pardon a Thanksgiving turkey, but accidentally granting the turkey power of attorney instead. While this incident left many questioning the president’s mental capacity, the Department of The President is Fine was quick to point out that this was a clever tactic to empower animals and give them legal rights. So fear not, the president is fine, he’s just paving the way for bird lawyers.
It is truly refreshing to see such dedication and innovation from the White House Press Office. With their creation of the Department of The President is Fine, they have successfully blurred the lines between fact and fiction, leaving the public in a state of perpetual confusion. Who needs the truth when we can have entertaining tales and creative excuses for every presidential faux pas?
In conclusion, the president is fine. His forgetfulness, peculiar decisions, and questionable actions are all part of a grand plan, carefully orchestrated by the Department of The President is Fine. So let’s sit back, relax, and enjoy the show as the White House Press Office continues to astound us with their satirical take on white house news.
" Conservative News Daily does not always share or support the views and opinions expressed here; they are just those of the writer."
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